Paul Johannes Tillich, The Eternal Now

Pip and I were snuggling together in bed one morning while Big-Daddy-O and Fig were getting a fire started.  ”Mama, [...]]]> “Language… has created the word “loneliness” to express the pain of being alone.  And it has created the word “solitude” to express the glory of being alone.”

Paul Johannes Tillich, The Eternal Now

Pip and I were snuggling together in bed one morning while Big-Daddy-O and Fig were getting a fire started.  ”Mama, are there some families where each Mama has one kid?”

“Sure, Pip.”  I cited a couple of examples of friends of ours.  One family consists of a brother and sister who have two mothers, and the other family has one child.

“That’s what I want, Mama, just one kid and one Mama.  You can be my Mama and Fig can have another one.”  Instead of explaining the impossibility of her suggestion, I tried to probe Pip’s mind a little deeper.

“Why do you want that, Pip?”

“Mama, it’s hard to be a big sister.”

“Tell me what’s hard, Sweetie.”

“Well, all the sharing, I have to share all of my stuff and Fig can reach everything in my room; she wrecks my set-ups and takes the skirt off of Dorothy.”

I promised Pip that we could find a place in her room to store the special toys that were just for her.  I then told her that Fig was a part of our family, we loved her like crazy and she was here to stay.  I reminded Pip of how Fig makes her laugh and how much fun they have dancing together, riding (pretend) horses together, and chasing each other around the house.  By the end of the conversation, Pip had a smile on her face.

It was a good conversation; a good reminder for me that Pip needs her space.  Pip’s bedroom is on the main floor of our home and is much larger than the nursery which is upstairs, so Pip’s room is ‘the toy room.’  She’s never really allowed to shut her sister out of her room because then Fig wouldn’t have access to the toys, puzzles, books, etc.

On top of that, we always insist that the girls share everything.  If they aren’t willing to take turns, then the toy is removed for a period of time.  It’s a decent rule, but I also appreciate that there are some precious belongings that Pip would rather Fig not handle.  Our youngest daughter is not the gentlest toddler in the world and she’s been known to rip the antlers off a moose, de-pop a few ‘pop-up’ books and chew on puzzle pieces.  Pip deserves to have a few toys that are out-of-Fig’s-bounds.

I am a big sister, and I remember spending a lot of time playing with my younger siblings, but I also remember shutting the door to my bedroom and spending time on my own.  I needed my own space.  I still do.  I can certainly relate to Pip’s wishes, and I’m a bit surprised that I haven’t made more of an effort to ensure that Pip has a place to retreat to.  Ah well, sometimes I need to be hit over the head, and luckily Pip was gentle.

Martin Luther King Jr.

Lately, it seems that many of Pip’s sentences begin with, ‘I want…’  We’re not sure where the ‘May I pleases,’ have gone, but we’re determined to find them. [...]]]> “Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness.”

Martin Luther King Jr.

Lately, it seems that many of Pip’s sentences begin with, ‘I want…’  We’re not sure where the ‘May I pleases,’ have gone, but we’re determined to find them.  Changing Pip’s syntax is a matter of training; with consistency and diligence, we’ll get her back on track.  The more difficult issue at hand is ‘the wanting.’  I’m not talking about general requests like, “I want to go outside,” or “I want a snack,”  I’m referring to the greedy, self-absorbed variety: “I want to go to the store and get a new pony,” and “I want ballet slippers,” and “I want a bike like Tia’s.”

I wonder how best to teach my daughters to appreciate what they have instead of focusing on wanting more.  I want to teach them to shift their focus to the needs of others rather than themselves.  These are lofty goals, I know, but well-worth pursuing.

In my experience, it has been the children who have very little who are the most gracious.  I’ve written often about my host-family in India, and I will tell you that I have never met more generous, altruistic, gracious little children than the ones I met in Jejuri; and they had next to nothing!  I don’t think that Baby, the three-year-old daughter, had one doll.  Comparatively, my daughters have an extraordinary amount of toys, and yet we don’t feel as though we spoil them.  Isn’t that interesting?  I once read that you cannot spoil a child if you are giving of your own free will.  It’s when you give to appease the “I wants” that you end up spoiling children.

Which brings me back to Pip.  She has been ill, and although it’s probably not the best time to start cracking down on her ‘wanting’ behaviour, we’re doing it anyway.  One rainy afternoon when we were all feeling sick, Pip, Fig and I sat down to ‘The Yoga Game.’  It’s a fabulous, cooperative game that was handed down to us by our friends, and we love it!  Fig is really too young to play successfully, but she wanted to be included, so we gave it a whirl.

Once the board was all set-up, Pip picked up the dice and said, “I want to go first!”  Here we go.

“Actually, Pip, the rules say that the youngest player goes first, and Fig is the youngest player.  Please give the dice to your sister.”

“But I want to go first!” repeated Pip.

“You can go right after your sister, Honey.”  Pip’s lip started to quiver as she gave Fig the dice, then she exploded into a crying heap on the floor.”  I chose to ignore the behaviour and focus on Fig.  Fig rolled the dice, then we counted the dots and moved the bumblebee around the board.  We both had to make a tree pose and I giggled at Fig’s adorable attempts at yoga.  She earned a flower for her posing and planted it in the garden.

By the time it was Pip’s turn, she had snapped out of her crying fit and was able to enjoy the game as though nothing had happened.  I decided not to ‘de-brief’ the incident.  It required no further explanation.  I took my turn, then it was Fig’s turn again.

“Mama, I’m not going to make a fuss this time,” said Pip.

“Oh, that’s fantastic, Pip!”  I hugged her and kissed her, which was probably a bit excessive, but I was just so proud of her.  I was also delighted that my decision to take issue with Pip’s ‘want’ paid off.

It’s going to be a long road, and I’m sure we’ll be teaching the same lessons, in a different context, when the girls are well into their teen years, but they may be the most important lessons we ever teach them.

George Saunders

I made a big mistake the other night.  I took Fig’s diaper off and let her dance around the living-room in her birthday suit.  It was just before the girls’ bath and she was only going to be naked for a few [...]]]> “Irony is just honesty with the volume cranked up.”

George Saunders

I made a big mistake the other night.  I took Fig’s diaper off and let her dance around the living-room in her birthday suit.  It was just before the girls’ bath and she was only going to be naked for a few minutes, so I thought it was safe.  I was wrong.  In the time it took me to walk to the bathroom to start running the water for their tub, Fig had pooped.  Luckily, the healthy mountain of waste was on the floor, about five inches from the carpet.  I called my husband in for support and he took the girls to the bathroom while I cleaned and disinfected the floor.

That evening, I was so tired and sick that I went to bed right after the girls fell asleep.  My husband worked in his shop for awhile, but he turned in early as well.  My point is, neither of us spent time in the living room that night.

The following morning  I was sitting on the couch reading a book with Fig, and Pip was dancing around the living room in her ruby red slippers.  ”Mama, I think Fig had a poop!” said Pip with a sour look on her face.  I leaned over to Fig and inhaled.  Sweetness.

“I don’t think so, Pip.  Fig smells fine.”

“No she doesn’t Mama, I can smell poop.”  I got up and walked over to where Pip was standing.  I looked down at the carpet and realized, with great remorse, that we had overlooked a small portion of Fig’s deposit from the night before.  It had blended into the design of our Indian carpet beautifully, but it looked disturbed, as though someone had been standing in it…..NO….NOT THE RUBY SLIPPERS!!!!  I tried to remain calm for the sake of the children.

“Pip, I found a bit of Fig’s poop from last night on the carpet, and I’m afraid there may be some poop on your rubies.  You’d better take them off and let me check.”

“Oh no, Mama, there is poop!  There is Fig-poop on my rubies!!!!”

“It’s okay, Sweetie, I’ll be able to wash them.  It’s not a problem.”  I wasn’t nearly as confident as I sounded.  The slippers are sparkly and textured; not the kind of shoe you can dip into soapy water or throw in the washing machine.  This was going to be a delicate operation.  In the meantime,  I was impressed with Pip’s reaction.  She calmly handed her shoes over to me and stared at the messy carpet.  Fig was quite interested as well.

“Poop, Mama.”

“Yes, you’re right Fig, it’s poop.  Don’t touch it girls, Mama has to clean it up.”  As I cleaned Fig’s fecal matter for the second time in twelve hours,  I was struck by the irony of the situation;  Pip had only been wearing her ruby slippers indoors so that they wouldn’t get dirty.

After cleaning the carpet, I went to work on the shoes.  You’ll be glad to know that an old toothbrush and some careful cleaning did the trick.  The rubies are back on Pip’s feet, and the diaper is back on Fig’s bottom; for good.

Christopher Morley

I’m not sure if Pip has sensed that I need her to be ‘low maintenance’ lately, but she has been an angel.  (Possibly because she doesn’t usually get to watch back-to-back episodes of ‘Blues Clues’ while Fig naps!)  She has also [...]]]> “We’ve had bad luck with children; they’ve all grown up.”

Christopher Morley

I’m not sure if Pip has sensed that I need her to be ‘low maintenance’ lately, but she has been an angel.  (Possibly because she doesn’t usually get to watch back-to-back episodes of ‘Blues Clues’ while Fig naps!)  She has also been helping to ‘parent’ Fig.

Last Sunday we were driving home from the ferry and Fig had reached her limit; she was ready to get out of the car.  We were still thirty minutes away from home, and my husband and I had exhausted our supply of ‘things to occupy your kids on a road-trip.’  To make matters worse, every time I tried to sing a song or even talk, I’d launch into a coughing fit.   Just when we thought Fig’s whimpers were going to progress to full-on cries, we heard her laugh!!!  Pip to the rescue.  I don’t know exactly what Pip was doing that Fig found so funny, but it worked!

And then today, the girls were eating lunch and I noticed that Fig was using her fork instead of her hand, so I said , “Wow, good eating Fig!”  Pip looked at Fig and said,

“Fig, can you say thank you to Mama?” and Fig looked at me and said,

“Thank you, Mama.”

It’s nice to know I have back-up when I need it.

John Powell

Fig worships Pip.  Not only does she mimic everything Pip says and does, but she also likes to give Pip little gifts.  Especially gifts of food.  If Fig is given a piece of cheese, for [...]]]>

“Human beings, like plants, grow in the soil of acceptance, not in the atmosphere of rejection.”

John Powell

Fig worships Pip.  Not only does she mimic everything Pip says and does, but she also likes to give Pip little gifts.  Especially gifts of food.  If Fig is given a piece of cheese, for example, she’ll ask for two so that she can toddle off and present one piece to Pip.

When Pip involves Fig in her games, Fig is in heaven.  You can see it on her face; she practically glows when she looks at her big sister.

Alternately, when Pip is feeling suffocated by Fig’s love and admiration, she rejects her little sister.  There is nothing more heart-breaking that seeing Fig run toward Pip with open arms, only to have Pip say, “No, Fig, I don’t want to hug you right now.”  Ouch.  Fig doesn’t really know how to handle rejection.  She swings her empty arms back and forth and stares at her sister with her big baby blues.

Truth be told, I don’t really know how to handle this situation either.  I often try to help Pip empathize with Fig.  ”Honey, how would you feel if you wanted a hug from me and I pushed you away?”  Pip will often hug Fig at this point.

Sometimes I focus on Fig and say, “Come here, Sweetie, I’ll give you a hug!” but my arms aren’t quite the same as Pip’s.

I’ve also said to Pip, “We always have hugs for our loved ones,” because she sometimes withholds hugs for relatives and close friends.  I don’t like the idea of forcing affection though, and I never want it to turn into a negative experience.   I’m not about to establish a ‘hug-rule.’

My favourite strategy is simply to tell Pip how great she makes other people feel when she hugs them.  Maybe one day she’ll realize what a gift it is to have the power to fill someone else’s heart with joy.

The drawback of those great stainless-steel water-bottles for kids is the weight.  Today Fig was enjoying a nice sip of H2O in the kitchen, when she dropped her water-bottle on her middle toe.  The stainless=steel edge cut through skin, [...]]]> “The great gift of human beings is that we have the power of empathy.”

Meryl Streep

The drawback of those great stainless-steel water-bottles for kids is the weight.  Today Fig was enjoying a nice sip of H2O in the kitchen, when she dropped her water-bottle on her middle toe.  The stainless=steel edge cut through skin, bloodied her toe, and inspired a purplish bruise at the base of her nail.  The jury’s out as to whether she’ll lose the toe-nail altogether.   Poor Fig screamed ‘Toe-Toe,” for a good ten minutes.  I tried running the toe under cool water but Fig wouldn’t stand for it.  I felt helpless.  Cradling her in my arms seemed to soothe her somewhat, but she kept reaching for her toe.  ”I know it hurts, Honey,” were about the most comforting words I could come up with, and they weren’t helping.

After the ten minutes of solid crying, Fig alternated between an exhausted state of calm and heart-wrenching tears for another twenty minutes.  What astonished me most during Fig’s traumatic half-hour was Pip’s behaviour.  Oftentimes, when Fig needs my attention, Pip decides to vie for it too.  Not this time.  Pip realized that Fig was truly in pain.

When Fig dropped the bottle, Pip was in the living room reading, so she didn’t know how serious things were.  She heard Fig crying, but she was ready for a change of outfit, so she came walking into the kitchen with shorts and a t-shirt saying, “I’m hot Mama, can you help me change?”

I told her that I couldn’t help her at the moment because of Fig’s accident.  She examined Fig’s toe.  ”Oh, Fig, ” she began, “that blood is starting to dry up!  Good for you!”  She gave Fig an enthusiastic two thumbs-up.  Fig was oblivious to Pip’s efforts and continued to wail, “Toe!  Toe!”

Pip tried another tactic.  ”Fig, you know, when I got this scrape on my knee, it really hurt.”  Pip put a hand on my shoulder to help her balance so that she could lift her knee right up to Fig’s face.

Fig was paying attention to Pip now, but she was still crying.  I looked at Pip.  ”Sweetie, she’s still in a lot of pain.”  At this point, Pip did the most marvelous thing; she gently rubbed my shoulder.  Do many three-year-olds do that sort of thing?  Maybe they do.  It just seemed like a very mature gesture, and it felt really nice.

So there we were, Pip and I, looking down into the tear-stained face of sweet Fig.  She had stopped crying, but her quivering lower lip indicated that she might launch into another bout of tears at any second.   “Maybe Fig would like a little rub on the shoulder too, Pip.”  Pip started with Fig’s shoulder, then she caressed the side of Fig’s face and finally patted her head.  Fig eyed  her sister suspiciously at first, then a smile crept across her face.

“Look at that Pip, you’re making her smile!”

Both girls were now smiling at each other.  It was a sweet little moment in time.  And it got sweeter.

“Mama, isn’t it funny that Fig was saying, toe-toe, and I have a dog named, Toto?”  Ah, empathy and a sense of humour to boot.

William Shakespeare

This morning Pip said to her dad, “I love my sister so much.  I just couldn’t wait for her to come out of my Mama’s belly,” and last night in the tub the girls smothered each other with hugs and kisses.  That [...]]]> “The course of true love never did run smooth.”

William Shakespeare

This morning Pip said to her dad, “I love my sister so much.  I just couldn’t wait for her to come out of my Mama’s belly,” and last night in the tub the girls smothered each other with hugs and kisses.  That was just one day after Pip asked me if Fig could go and live on Saltspring Island, and two days after she yelled, “Mama, PUT HER DOWN, I want you all to myself!”

Pip has a pair of tap shoes that she likes to wear, and one afternoon I heard her run down the hall after her sister: tap, tap, tap, and then I heard a huge cry emerge from Fig.

“Pip, what happened?” I asked, as neutrally as possible.

“She did it to herself, Mama.”

“She did what to herself?” I asked.

“She just reached around and pinched herself on the back!”  (Don’t you love it?)

A conversation about truth-telling ensued and Pip came clean about pinching her sister.  She was congratulated for being honest, but she was issued a ‘time-out’ for inflicting bodily harm.  Pip grudgingly went over to the time-out mat and sat down with a slight scowl.

Not five seconds had passed before Fig went over to the time-out mat and sat on it with her big sister.  Pip started to giggle.

What a beautiful, complex, loving, unloving  little relationship these two people are creating.  I have siblings, but my sister is five years my junior and my brother is seven years younger.  I was more like a third parent to my brother and sister than a rival.  I’ve never really experienced the relationship dynamic that my daughters are developing, and I find it fascinating.

One thing seems to be pretty consistent though; love is met with love.  Pip usually captains that ship, but when she showers her little sister with the good stuff, Fig literally glows.  Her face changes.

We were sitting outside on the hammock together, Pip and I, and Fig was playing with the sprinkler a few metres away from us.  She came running toward the hammock with her arms extended in anticipation of a hug, so I held my arms out to her saying, “Hug?”

“Sissy,” she said, and flew into the waiting arms of her sister.

Douglas H. Everett

Ever since Crazybaby has been able to climb up onto Pip’s bed, there has been trouble.  Pip’s bed had been her [...]]]> “There are some people who live in a a dream world, and there are some who face reality; and then there are those who turn one into the other.”

Douglas H. Everett

Ever since Crazybaby has been able to climb up onto Pip’s bed, there has been trouble.  Pip’s bed had been her private domain; an area that the crawling, and newly-walking Crazybaby had been unable to reach.  But now, the more advanced Crazybaby is easily able to invade Pip’s private space.

We want to honour Pip’s need for her own space, but at the same time, we’d love for the girls to eventually coexist happily in the same room.  All of the girls’ toys and books are in Pip’s bedroom, so we’re not willing to shut Crazybaby out.  Our solution has been to provide Pip with other places in the house to retreat to when she needs some privacy, but her favourite spot to read is on her bed.

Last week Pip was enjoying some solo-reading-time, when Crazybaby decided to join her.  ”Mama….we need you!!!”   I arrived in the bedroom to find both girls on the bed.  ”Can you please get her out of here?” Pip pleaded.

“What is she doing that’s bothering you?”

“She’s bouncing up and down.  I’m just trying to read.  Can you please get her out of here?” she repeated.

“Okay Pip,” I began, “but it would be a dream come true to see my two daughters getting along.”

So now let me tell you about last night… It started off like this:

A few minutes after I took this shot, Pip called to me, “Mama, come quick!  Your dream is coming true!”  I picked up my camera and found this:

Then things started to deteriorate a bit when Crazybaby decided to practice her head-stand:

But Pip didn’t seem to mind at all, and I continued to bask in the dream-come-trueness of the moment.

Maya Angelou

I think we just have to accept the fact that we’ll be buying two of everything from here on [...]]]> “I don’t believe an accident of birth makes people sisters or brothers. It makes them siblings, gives them mutuality of parentage. Sisterhood and brotherhood is a condition people have to work at.”

Maya Angelou

I think we just have to accept the fact that we’ll be buying two of everything from here on in.  If Pip has something, Crazybaby wants it.  If Crazybaby has something, Pip is suddenly interested in it.  This is especially true when it comes to ME.

Pip and I had a four-hour date the other day.  I was all hers for the entire time.  We did a bit of hand-holding and I snuck a few smooches during that time, but Pip wasn’t particularly ‘clingy.’  When we got home, however,  and Crazybaby toddled toward me with arms outstretched saying, “MAMA!!!!”  Pip immediately clung to my legs and started crying, “Mama!” as well.

“Pip, I need to say hello to Crazybaby.”  Pip remained fastened to my thighs.  ”Pip, you need to share Mama.”  (That one didn’t really sound right, but I gave it a go.)  Pip was crying and now Crazybaby was starting to cry as well.  Big Daddy-O tried to pry Pip off of me, but physical force always meets with heightened emotions, so Pip turned it up a notch.  In the end, Crazybaby was passed to her dad and I took Pip away for a chat.

I told her that I loved her and that I would never run out of love for her; that I had such a big heart that I had enough love for both of my girls.  I told her that I loved my time with her, but I loved Crazybaby too, and there was room for both girls in my heart.

Then I reminded her of her new water-flutes from cousin Penny and she was off and running.

Dalai Lama

Bath-time is typically an enjoyable activity at our house.  Last night was no exception; Pip and Crazybaby were making each other laugh by holding cloths in their mouths like puppies.  (It’s funny how their little games hold absolutely no appeal to my [...]]]> “My religion is very simple.  My religion is kindness.”

Dalai Lama

Bath-time is typically an enjoyable activity at our house.  Last night was no exception; Pip and Crazybaby were making each other laugh by holding cloths in their mouths like puppies.  (It’s funny how their little games hold absolutely no appeal to my husband and I, but the girls find them absolutely hilarious.)  The energy being exchanged between our daughters was positive, fun and happy.  It all changed in the blink of an eye.

Crazybaby reached for a toy seal that had lay floating, unnoticed for the entire bath, but Pip decided it was suddenly irresistible and grabbed it out of Crazybaby’s hands.  Instantly, Crazybaby grabbed a decent fistful of Pip’s hair and yanked. Pip screamed, Crazybaby cried, and the vibe in our mellow blue bathroom was instantly altered.  I could feel the aggression emanating from both girls like lightning bolts shooting across the tub at each other.

It shouldn’t surprise me that energy between two people can change so dramatically and quickly; it’s human nature.  It happens all the time.  But everything is so raw with children.  They don’t have language to complicate their feelings, they just let it all hang out.

Within a couple of minutes, peace was restored.  Pip calmed down and we talked through the situation; I explained that Crazybaby’s actions were indeed wrong, but she had been reacting to Pip grabbing the toy.     “If you’re nice to her, Pip, she’ll be nice to you.”

Isn’t that how the world should work?