Martin Luther King Jr.

Lately, it seems that many of Pip’s sentences begin with, ‘I want…’  We’re not sure where the ‘May I pleases,’ have gone, but we’re determined to find them. [...]]]> “Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness.”

Martin Luther King Jr.

Lately, it seems that many of Pip’s sentences begin with, ‘I want…’  We’re not sure where the ‘May I pleases,’ have gone, but we’re determined to find them.  Changing Pip’s syntax is a matter of training; with consistency and diligence, we’ll get her back on track.  The more difficult issue at hand is ‘the wanting.’  I’m not talking about general requests like, “I want to go outside,” or “I want a snack,”  I’m referring to the greedy, self-absorbed variety: “I want to go to the store and get a new pony,” and “I want ballet slippers,” and “I want a bike like Tia’s.”

I wonder how best to teach my daughters to appreciate what they have instead of focusing on wanting more.  I want to teach them to shift their focus to the needs of others rather than themselves.  These are lofty goals, I know, but well-worth pursuing.

In my experience, it has been the children who have very little who are the most gracious.  I’ve written often about my host-family in India, and I will tell you that I have never met more generous, altruistic, gracious little children than the ones I met in Jejuri; and they had next to nothing!  I don’t think that Baby, the three-year-old daughter, had one doll.  Comparatively, my daughters have an extraordinary amount of toys, and yet we don’t feel as though we spoil them.  Isn’t that interesting?  I once read that you cannot spoil a child if you are giving of your own free will.  It’s when you give to appease the “I wants” that you end up spoiling children.

Which brings me back to Pip.  She has been ill, and although it’s probably not the best time to start cracking down on her ‘wanting’ behaviour, we’re doing it anyway.  One rainy afternoon when we were all feeling sick, Pip, Fig and I sat down to ‘The Yoga Game.’  It’s a fabulous, cooperative game that was handed down to us by our friends, and we love it!  Fig is really too young to play successfully, but she wanted to be included, so we gave it a whirl.

Once the board was all set-up, Pip picked up the dice and said, “I want to go first!”  Here we go.

“Actually, Pip, the rules say that the youngest player goes first, and Fig is the youngest player.  Please give the dice to your sister.”

“But I want to go first!” repeated Pip.

“You can go right after your sister, Honey.”  Pip’s lip started to quiver as she gave Fig the dice, then she exploded into a crying heap on the floor.”  I chose to ignore the behaviour and focus on Fig.  Fig rolled the dice, then we counted the dots and moved the bumblebee around the board.  We both had to make a tree pose and I giggled at Fig’s adorable attempts at yoga.  She earned a flower for her posing and planted it in the garden.

By the time it was Pip’s turn, she had snapped out of her crying fit and was able to enjoy the game as though nothing had happened.  I decided not to ‘de-brief’ the incident.  It required no further explanation.  I took my turn, then it was Fig’s turn again.

“Mama, I’m not going to make a fuss this time,” said Pip.

“Oh, that’s fantastic, Pip!”  I hugged her and kissed her, which was probably a bit excessive, but I was just so proud of her.  I was also delighted that my decision to take issue with Pip’s ‘want’ paid off.

It’s going to be a long road, and I’m sure we’ll be teaching the same lessons, in a different context, when the girls are well into their teen years, but they may be the most important lessons we ever teach them.

Denis Waitley

Don’t worry; I’m not going to be writing about Daisytree three days a week from here on in, but I have to let you know how Pip’s first REAL day at [...]]]>

“The greatest gifts you can give your children are the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence.”

Denis Waitley

Don’t worry; I’m not going to be writing about Daisytree three days a week from here on in, but I have to let you know how Pip’s first REAL day at school went down.

I waited until we were at the breakfast table to say, “So Pip, when we go to Daisytree today, Lily would like all of the parents to leave for awhile so that she can have some fun with the kids.”

Pip stopped chewing her cereal and looked straight ahead, out the dining-room window, for a good minute.  She was processing.  ”Mama,” she began thoughtfully, “I’m not used of you being gone.  Can you stay with me at Daisytree until I’m used of it?”

“Of course I will Pip.”  My husband and I looked at each other and smiled.

“You said that very well, Sweetie,” Big Daddy-O said, and gave Pip a wink.

Pip seemed happy with the discussion.  I prepared to stay at Daisytree the entire two and a half hours.  I packed an extra snack for Fig because she would be attending as well.  I knew that Lily would be supportive of whatever worked for Pip; she had told me previously that it takes some kids weeks, (and sometimes months,) of having their parents attend pre-school with them before they’re ready to fly solo.

Off we went to Daisytree.  Pip seemed happy to be there, but she kept me close to her as she watched the other mothers leave their kids.  Without exception, the children were all fine.  Lily’s teaching assistant, Louise, came over to us and said, “Pip, would you like to give your mom a big hug good-bye and come with me?”

Pip just turned to me and said, “Mama!”

“Pip, I’m not going to leave until you’re ready,” I reassured her.

“Of course!” said Louise, “your mom can stay with us as long as you want.”

Pip relaxed.  She surveyed the room.  Her two teachers were happy and smiling, the kids were all having fun, and there wasn’t another parent in sight.  In the blink of an eye, she turned to me and said,  ”You can leave now, Mama.”

Wow!  I didn’t see that coming so quickly.  ”Okay Pip, big hug.”  We embraced, then I turned from her and didn’t look back.  I grabbed a shoe-less Fig, chatted briefly with Lily on the way out of the door, and left.  I couldn’t quite believe that I was on the outside!  I walked slowly to the car, chatted with other moms, and took my time getting Fig into her car-seat in case Pip had a change of heart.  Everything seemed fine.  I was one proud mama pulling out of that driveway.

Fig and I enjoyed our one-on-one time together; running a few errands and taking a little forest-walk.  More than once, I wondered how Pip was doing, and to be honest, I missed her.  I’ve been away from her for much longer periods of time, but this felt different somehow.

Two-and-a-half hours later, I arrived back at Daisytree to see my happy three-year-old running toward me with crafts in hand.  ”Mama, Lily gave me a treasure!”

Lily gave me a treasure too.  To have my daughter’s first experience away from her family be so positive is truly a gift.

At lunch-time Pip was full of Daisytree stories.  ”Mom, I liked it when you were gone.”

I never would have guessed that those words would be music to my ears, but they were.

“That’s great Pip!”

She continued, “I went up to Lily and I said ‘my mom’s gone’ and she said ‘that’s great’ and then all I felt was…all I could feel was fun!  I just felt fun the whole time.”

Talk about happy endings.

Hodding Carter

Our second visit to Daisytree was a shortened morning session in which all of the kids and parents met for a short time to get acquainted.  As I suspected, [...]]]> “There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One is roots; the other, wings.”

Hodding Carter

Our second visit to Daisytree was a shortened morning session in which all of the kids and parents met for a short time to get acquainted.  As I suspected, Pip was hesitant when the room was full of people.  Fig happily launched into some puzzling with a couple of other kids while Pip clung to my arm.  I kept trying to nudge her toward activities that other kids were involved with, but she stayed by my side and simply observed the busy-ness.

Lily let all of the parents and kids get to know each other in an informal manner, then she called the group together for a story.  She wasn’t going to read a book though, she was going to tell the story of ‘The Three Billy Goats Gruff,’ and she had props!  Suddenly, my sidekick whispered to me, “Mom, I want to help Lily tell the story,” and she marched past the kids and parents to Lily’s side.  Lily paused and looked at Pip, “Lily, I want to help you.”

Lily fed Pip the lines and Pip delivered them with flair.  She went from being the quiet observer clinging to her mom, to being the front-and-centre storyteller.  Amazing.  Pip’s involvement inspired other kids to want ‘goat roles,’ and the proud parents were all entertained by neighing, uncooperative goats.

The kids enjoyed a snack together and, before we knew it, the morning had come to an end.

Successful Daisytree visit number two!

The next step is a big one: no parents.  Pip has managed to surprise me at every turn though, and with Lily casting her enchanting spell over Pip, I’m optimistic that she’ll be fine without me.  I’ll let you know what happens on Friday.

I completely underestimated the loveliness of Lily, (the name I’ll give Pip’s teacher,) and her gorgeous pre-school, (which I’ve chosen to call Daisytree.)

Two weeks ago I wrote, (at great length, I might add [...]]]> “The art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.”
– Havelock Ellis

I completely underestimated the loveliness of Lily, (the name I’ll give Pip’s teacher,) and her gorgeous pre-school, (which I’ve chosen to call Daisytree.)

Two weeks ago I wrote, (at great length, I might add apologetically,) about the dilemma I faced regarding Pip and pre-school.  She had been saying that she didn’t want to go, and I wasn’t sure if I should nudge her in the direction of school or just wait for another year.

Surprisingly, just a few days after I’d written that post, Pip began to change her tune:  ”Mama, I think Toto might like to go to Daisytree.”  Toto, of course, is the stuffed polar bear that she carries with her when she’s pretending to be Dorothy.  I took Toto’s willingness as a very good sign, and decided to move forward with the initial pre-school meeting.

Lily wisely asked to meet with each child and parent privately before the first day of school.  I told Pip that we were going on a special date together to meet Lily and visit Daisytree.  Once she found out that I was going to stay with her the entire time, she was excited to go.

After greeting us warmly at the door, Lily guided Pip into the enchanting world of Daisytree.  There were lovely silks hanging from the ceiling, inspiring art works on every piece of wall, a gorgeous easel with paints and brushes ready to go, a table with puzzles, a centre with fossils and magnifying glasses, a water station with cups and bubbles inside, and a plethora of other intriguing items.

Pip had a brush in her hand within the first three minutes.  Lily’s manner with Pip was so encouraging, gentle and respectful that Pip felt comfortable engaging in conversation with her immediately.  Pip was mixing colours and talking about her technique:

“Lily?”

“Yes Pip?”

“Sometimes I like to do a combo.”

“Oh, combos are lovely aren’t they?  Would you like to add some sparkles to your painting?”

“Oh yes, we love sparkles!”

Pip kept referring to herself as ‘we’ throughout the meeting.  I don’t think she has schizophrenic tendencies, I think she has just picked up on my tendency to say things like,  ”We always wash our hands before we eat,” or “We have to wipe every time we use the bathroom.”    It was interesting though.  She and I have been a ‘we’ for three and a half years, and now she was taking a huge step in the direction of “I.”

Lily and Pip got along famously.  They talked about Pip’s ruby-red-slippers, (which are actually purple,) they glued little blankets on Pip’s painting, they toured around the room touching interesting things, and they hugged each other good-bye.

I got a little misty a couple of times that morning.  Fig had woken up at five am, so that might have been why my emotions rose so easily, but I suspect it was more about the pride that I felt watching my daughter create a new relationship with this lovely woman.  Pip was finding her own way to ‘be’ in the world.

Lily walked us to our car and waved at Pip until we couldn’t see her anymore.  Before I had a chance to ask any questions, Pip simply said, “Wow, Mama.”

My sentiments exactly.

William Shakespeare

This morning Pip said to her dad, “I love my sister so much.  I just couldn’t wait for her to come out of my Mama’s belly,” and last night in the tub the girls smothered each other with hugs and kisses.  That [...]]]> “The course of true love never did run smooth.”

William Shakespeare

This morning Pip said to her dad, “I love my sister so much.  I just couldn’t wait for her to come out of my Mama’s belly,” and last night in the tub the girls smothered each other with hugs and kisses.  That was just one day after Pip asked me if Fig could go and live on Saltspring Island, and two days after she yelled, “Mama, PUT HER DOWN, I want you all to myself!”

Pip has a pair of tap shoes that she likes to wear, and one afternoon I heard her run down the hall after her sister: tap, tap, tap, and then I heard a huge cry emerge from Fig.

“Pip, what happened?” I asked, as neutrally as possible.

“She did it to herself, Mama.”

“She did what to herself?” I asked.

“She just reached around and pinched herself on the back!”  (Don’t you love it?)

A conversation about truth-telling ensued and Pip came clean about pinching her sister.  She was congratulated for being honest, but she was issued a ‘time-out’ for inflicting bodily harm.  Pip grudgingly went over to the time-out mat and sat down with a slight scowl.

Not five seconds had passed before Fig went over to the time-out mat and sat on it with her big sister.  Pip started to giggle.

What a beautiful, complex, loving, unloving  little relationship these two people are creating.  I have siblings, but my sister is five years my junior and my brother is seven years younger.  I was more like a third parent to my brother and sister than a rival.  I’ve never really experienced the relationship dynamic that my daughters are developing, and I find it fascinating.

One thing seems to be pretty consistent though; love is met with love.  Pip usually captains that ship, but when she showers her little sister with the good stuff, Fig literally glows.  Her face changes.

We were sitting outside on the hammock together, Pip and I, and Fig was playing with the sprinkler a few metres away from us.  She came running toward the hammock with her arms extended in anticipation of a hug, so I held my arms out to her saying, “Hug?”

“Sissy,” she said, and flew into the waiting arms of her sister.

Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis

When I lived with a family in India, the children and their parents were NEVER apart.  One evening I asked my host, Patrick, if he and his wife ever let someone [...]]]> “If  you bungle raising your children, I don’t think whatever else you do well matters very much.”

Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis

When I lived with a family in India, the children and their parents were NEVER apart.  One evening I asked my host, Patrick, if he and his wife ever let someone else take care of their children while they went out and had time to themselves.  ”Why would we want to be away from our kids?” he answered, “We love being around them.  Why would we want to be somewhere they are not?”

My husband and I love being around our kids too, but we also cherish the times that we have alone together, and we’re fortunate to have family close by to take care of the girls when we need a break.  However, Pip hasn’t been left alone with anyone other than family in her three years of life.  We’ve enjoyed numerous classes and activities, but they’ve always involved a parent, (or Grandma in our case.)

With September just around the corner, I find myself faced with a dilemma:

Do I send Pip to pre-school even though she is saying that she doesn’t want to go, or do I wait a year?  It is of no consequence to our family whether she attends or not; we simply heard of an exceptional programme and thought that the experience would be fantastic for her.

(Before going further, I should clarify that I realize this is a lovely problem to have.  I’ve been very fortunate to have been able to stay at home with my girls, and even though I’ll be returning to work part-time, my mom is going to be able to care for Pip and Fig.  We’re blessed, and we know it.)

Nevertheless, this will potentially be a huge transition for Pip, and it warrants some careful consideration.  The pre-school Pip is currently  enrolled at begins in two weeks.  At this point, she says, “I just want to be with you, Mama,” whenever we talk about ’school,’ so we haven’t been talking about it.  When I ask her about other activities like taking tap-dance lessons or playing soccer, she says, “No thanks, Mama.  I already know how to tap dance.”

So, I could simply respect Pip’s wishes and limit her activities to those that involve a parent.  I’m sure she’d be happy with that situation, but on the other hand, she might absolutely adore pre-school once she tries it, and I don’t want her to miss out on a fabulous opportunity.   I had originally thought we could treat pre-school the same way we treat new foods.  Pip has to try it, but if she really doesn’t like it, she doesn’t have to go.  Now I’m questioning that philosophy.  My sister advised me  against it,  saying that if we leave an ‘out’ for Pip, she’ll take it.  (Although, when Pip discovers that she likes a new type of food, she keeps eating it!)

My gut says that it’s going to be tough for Pip.  I’m trying not to relate this feeling to her in any way, but my instinct tells me that there are going to be tears.

I’ve been having some interesting discussions with other mothers on this topic and I think it’s hard for people to relate unless they have a child like Pip.  All of Pip’s little girlfriends are definitely ready to dive into organized classes without their parents.  They can’t wait to go to school and daycare and hockey practice; but not our little Pip.

Perhaps the very fact that Pip is reluctant to be on her own is reason enough to insist that she attend pre-school.  It’s a very safe environment, the facilitator is lovely and the group of children is small.  It couldn’t be a better situation for Pip to gradually get used to being on her own.  But is it the right time?  Will there ever be a right time?  Will it only be harder for her if we wait longer?

I’m of two minds.  On the one hand, I think of my own childhood, and I wasn’t involved in activities away from my mom until I was at least five years old.  There’s no rush!  Pip’s only three!  There will be lots of time to create art and interact with other kids.

On the other hand,  I think it would be really great for Pip’s confidence and self-esteem to know that she can handle being away from her parents in a new situation.  I think she’ll find it really stimulating, and she’ll make some new friends.  It’s an important step on her path toward independence, but IS THIS THE RIGHT TIME?

Wait, what am I saying?  There is no ‘right’ time or ‘wrong’ time, is there?  There are just choices that we make for our children and we hope that we’re making decisions in their best interest.  So, is attending school this year in Pip’s best interest?  It could be.  DAMN.  I should know the answer, shouldn’t I?  I’m her mom.  Then again, I’m not her.  She’s not me.  She is her own little person with her own set of emotions and desires.  How can I possibly know if she’s ready for pre-school?  It could go either way.

To be honest, Fig seems more ‘ready’ than Pip.  Fig is quick to connect with strangers, quick to join activities and happy to try new things.  I have a feeling we’ll all go to pre-school together on the first day, and Fig will run off and play with the other kids while Pip clings to my leg crying, “Don’t leave me, Mama!”

Some of you know my daughter and  most of you don’t, but I’m sure you all have an opinion and I’d love to hear them!  I know that in the end, my husband and I will make a decision and we’ll just have to trust our instincts.  In the meantime, however, I think it would help to get some objective advice.  Even writing this post to you has helped to clarify the issue.  (It’s clear that I’m indecisive!!!)

Maya Angelou

I think we just have to accept the fact that we’ll be buying two of everything from here on [...]]]> “I don’t believe an accident of birth makes people sisters or brothers. It makes them siblings, gives them mutuality of parentage. Sisterhood and brotherhood is a condition people have to work at.”

Maya Angelou

I think we just have to accept the fact that we’ll be buying two of everything from here on in.  If Pip has something, Crazybaby wants it.  If Crazybaby has something, Pip is suddenly interested in it.  This is especially true when it comes to ME.

Pip and I had a four-hour date the other day.  I was all hers for the entire time.  We did a bit of hand-holding and I snuck a few smooches during that time, but Pip wasn’t particularly ‘clingy.’  When we got home, however,  and Crazybaby toddled toward me with arms outstretched saying, “MAMA!!!!”  Pip immediately clung to my legs and started crying, “Mama!” as well.

“Pip, I need to say hello to Crazybaby.”  Pip remained fastened to my thighs.  ”Pip, you need to share Mama.”  (That one didn’t really sound right, but I gave it a go.)  Pip was crying and now Crazybaby was starting to cry as well.  Big Daddy-O tried to pry Pip off of me, but physical force always meets with heightened emotions, so Pip turned it up a notch.  In the end, Crazybaby was passed to her dad and I took Pip away for a chat.

I told her that I loved her and that I would never run out of love for her; that I had such a big heart that I had enough love for both of my girls.  I told her that I loved my time with her, but I loved Crazybaby too, and there was room for both girls in my heart.

Then I reminded her of her new water-flutes from cousin Penny and she was off and running.