Albert Einstein

After boiling some pasta for the girls at lunch time, I was telling Pip that the pot was very hot and she shouldn’t go near it.  For some idiotic reason unbeknownst to me, I demonstrated [...]]]> “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.”

Albert Einstein

After boiling some pasta for the girls at lunch time, I was telling Pip that the pot was very hot and she shouldn’t go near it.  For some idiotic reason unbeknownst to me, I demonstrated exactly how hot the pot was by touching the rim with my left pointer-finger, and promptly burning myself.

Who does that?

Lyman Abbott

Pip surprised me the other day by stomping her foot on the floor when she was frustrated.  It was a case of her not getting what she wanted, and instead of talking about it, she [...]]]> “Do not teach your children never to be angry; teach them how to be angry.”

Lyman Abbott

Pip surprised me the other day by stomping her foot on the floor when she was frustrated.  It was a case of her not getting what she wanted, and instead of talking about it, she stomped her foot.  My instinct was to tell her, “We don’t stomp our feet when we’re angry, we talk about it,” but I understand her impulse.  The other day we were playing at our cousins house and my niece got angry when her space was invaded.  She was instructed to take a time-out, and on the way to her bedroom, she took out her frustration on the piano keys.  It sounded marvelous; passionate and dark, and I thought to myself, “What a great way to express anger.”

My teacher-training and experience have provided me with many strategies for helping children deal with anger.  I always ‘taught’ anger management lessons to my homeroom class.  We’d talk about anger being a natural feeling that everyone experiences and I’d assure the kids that there was no shame in feeling angry.  I taught them that anger served to identify problems, but it wasn’t a good way to solve problems.  We’d brainstorm ways to control angry feelings so that we could get on with problem-solving.  Kids learned to do such things as take three deep breaths, take a step back, seek help, and find the humour in situations.  It occurs to me now, though, that the focus was on ‘controlling’ and ‘managing’ anger, but there wasn’t much literature on releasing anger in appropriate ways.

A few years ago I read an amazing book by Gabor Mate called, ‘When the Body Says No.’  One of the important messages I took away from the book was that our bodies suffer ‘dis-ease’ when we don’t deal with our emotions in a healthy manner.  Suppressing anger, for instance can be very dangerous to your health.  Reading the book changed the way I dealt with my emotions.  I used to swallow my anger in the name of peace-keeping.  I’m not a person who enjoys conflict or drama, (unless it’s scripted, of course,) so I used to avoid it like the plague, not realizing that I was actually doing damage to my body.  The more important issues would live inside of me for awhile and fester until I finally gave them a voice, and by that time they had grown to unwarranted  proportion.  Not healthy.

Now, I tend to express frustrations as soon as they come up.  That way, they are dealt with before they even become  a source of anger.  It’s as though the negative feelings are robbed of all of their power once they’re set free.  My husband and I both feel as though we’re in the healthiest relationship of our lives, and I think the way we deal with conflict has a lot to do with it.

So, not only do I want to arm my daughters with strategies for managing anger, I want them to be able to release their angry energy in a healthy way as well.  Of course it’s ideal if frustrations are identified early on, when it’s easy to problem-solve without anger or tears.  If that point has passed, though, and a child is really angry, there’s no point trying to rationalize with him or her.  It just does not work.  So why not encourage them to bang on a drum, play piano, do some jumping jacks, put on some music, dance, rip up some newspaper, or do something else that will set their ‘angries’ free?  Once they’ve calmed down it’s time to problem-solve.

I think it’s important to have an anger-plan.  Talk about strategies when everybody’s happy, and make sure your kids know what kind of behaviour is intolerable.  (For example, hitting is an automatic ‘time-out’ in our house.)

And make sure YOU have a way to release your anger.  It used to be jogging for me, but my back-health prevents me from enjoying that form of release any more.  Now I find that getting outdoors and going for a walk works wonders, and music also does the trick; just listening to it, dancing to it, or playing along with it is a cleansing experience for me.

Whatever you do, deal with your feelings.  Even if it means an uncomfortable conversation with your spouse, as long as you’re speaking respectfully to each other, it provides a great model for your kids.  They learn that conflict exists in even the most loving relationships, and problems can be solved by talking them through.

(Forgive me if I sounded too ‘preachy’ toward the end there; the ‘teacher hat’ appears from time to time.)

“Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn’t learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn’t learn a little, at least we didn’t get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn’t die; so, let us all be thankful.”

“Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn’t learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn’t learn a little, at least we didn’t get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn’t die; so, let us all be thankful.”

Buddha

Don’t expect much from me this week.  (Such a statement isn’t exactly the best way to entice readers, but I’m going to tell it like it is.)  I feel LOUSY.  This is probably the most ill I’ve felt during Fig’s life.  Mastitis ranks high on the list of unpleasant ‘itises,’ but I’m suffering from a bronchial infection this time around, and it’s not pretty.  I’ve been coughing so much that my abs are sore.  (I wonder if I’ll come out of this with a six-pack.)

I’ve learned from this sickness that there is just no room for moms to be ill.  It doesn’t work.  Before I had a family, I would simply call-in sick and retreat to my cozy little cave.  I’d spend my time sleeping, reading, resting, movie-watching and of course drinking fluids.  Now I realize that the kind of recuperation time I enjoyed as a single woman was a luxury!!!   WHAT I WOULDN’T GIVE FOR A DAY IN BED!!!   There is no cave for the mother of two young kids.  Well, the cave is here, but the rest and relaxation are not.

I have also learned that thinking about what you’d rather be doing, when it’s just not in the cards, is sheer torture.  It does not help to send yourself messages like, “All I want to do is curl up and sleep,” when you’re changing your daughter’s diaper and she’s fighting you all the way.  It’s much easier to accept your current reality and make the best of it.  For instance, I managed to do a lot of horizontal parenting today, and the girls didn’t seem to mind.  There was more book-reading than bike-riding, to be sure, but it was still enjoyable for the girls and more comfortable for me.

This  nasty little bug has been taunting me for three weeks now, and just when I decided I was well-enough to take a family trip to the big city, it called all of it’s nasty-bug-relatives and declared war on my body.  I decided to rally, and do all of the things we had planned to do while in Vancouver, but I clearly overdid it.

Both girls have been suffering from colds during the past two weeks as well, and I find it impossible to focus on my own health when my children are sick.  Pip sleeps well through the night, even when she’s sick, but Fig has been averaging two wake-ups every night and it’s bloody exhausting!  Just when I think I’m on the mend, I have a night with little or no sleep and I’m back to square one.  It’s like my immune system is too tired to fight the good fight.

So last night at 12:00 pm, and again at 4:00 am when I dragged my coughing, sneezing,sleep-deprived body upstairs to nurse Fig, I thought to myself, “there’s no gratitude in this.”  But of course, there is.  For starters, I’m sick, but I don’t have a life-threatening illness.  I can’t imagine the bravery it takes to face that kind of challenge.  Secondly, my kids are generally pretty healthy.  This is small potatoes compared to what a lot of parents with really sick kids have to endure.  I volunteered at the Vancouver Children’s hospital years ago, and it was one of the most humbling experiences of my life.

Thirdly, this may sound kind of bizarre, but I’m repeatedly reminded of a woman I saw on Oprah last year.  I don’t watch the show regularly anymore, but I suppose I was meant to see this particular story.  A pregnant woman went into the hospital to give birth to her second daughter, contracted flesh-eating disease during her cesarean section, and had to have all of her limbs amputated immediately.  The hospital staff kept waiting for her to crash; become angry or depressed-but she never did!  She said that she felt lucky to be alive, and she had two beautiful daughters to love.  That kind of strength ASTOUNDS me!!!  She went home from the hospital without arms or legs.  Can you imagine?  I can’t.

So, although caring for two young kids while I’m ill is challenging, I know that things could be a lot worse.  For that I’m grateful, and sometimes, finding the gratitude isn’t easy.

“In the end these things matter most:

How well did you love?

How fully did you love?

How deeply did you learn to let go?”

Buddha

When I was staying out at my parents’ beach house recently, I went for a walk by myself.  It was bittersweet, and [...]]]>

“In the end these things matter most:

How well did you love?

How fully did you love?

How deeply did you learn to let go?”

Buddha

When I was staying out at my parents’ beach house recently, I went for a walk by myself.  It was bittersweet, and I found myself misty-eyed as I looked at the familiar surroundings.  The trees, the beach, the forest path, the mossy meadow; they’re dear old friends of mine.  So many memories are attached to the home in which I grew up.

Today marks the day that a young couple and their dog will move into the house.  They’re expecting a child in the Spring, so our old home will be filled with new life.

As I took my walk along the beach, my mind bounced between feeling nostalgic and feeling happy for the young family that would soon enjoy this piece of West-Coast heaven.  I got to my favourite spot,  (a mossy little meadow where I used to play guitar with my friends on warm summer nights,) and I photographed my shadow.  For some reason, I was compelled to make a peace sign with my fingers, and now I know why.

It’s time.  It’s time to make peace with the fact that our old home will be enjoyed by another family.  We were fortunate to occupy it for so many years, and we’ll still be able to walk that stretch of beach whenever the spirit moves us, but it’s time to start letting go.

Buddha believed that all suffering is caused by attachment.  It’s true.  I’m attached; but I’m slowly letting go.  (I just never realized it would be so hard.)

Patty Lovell

I love places where books live.  The girls and I found a gem at our local library called, “Stand Tall Molly Lou Melon” by Patty Lovell, illustrated by David Catrow.  Pip was the one who spotted it;  she [...]]]> “Believe in yourself and the world will believe in you too.”

Patty Lovell

I love places where books live.  The girls and I found a gem at our local library called, “Stand Tall Molly Lou Melon” by Patty Lovell, illustrated by David Catrow.  Pip was the one who spotted it;  she was drawn by the illustrations, and when we later read it at home, I knew it would become a family favourite.

Molly Lou is short and clumsy, has buck teeth and a voice that sounds like a bull-frog being squeezed by a boa-constrictor, but she doesn’t mind.  Her grandmother dispenses wonderful bits of wisdom that serve Molly Lou well, even when she has to start in a new school and is picked on by a bully.

Here’s a sampling of Lovell and Catrow’s magic:

“Molly Melon had buck teeth that stuck out so far, she could stack pennies on them.  She didn’t mind.  Her grandma had told her, ‘Smile big and the world will smile right alongside you.’

So she did.”

Charming, right?   It’s a gift to be reading aloud to my daughters and hear words like, “Believe in yourself and the whole world will believe in you too,” coming out of my mouth.  After reading it every night for two weeks, I’m hopeful that the messages in this little book are taking up residence in my daughters’ minds.  (As well as my own!)

Saint Augustine

Pip and Fig both have miserable colds at the moment.  Neither of them are sleeping well, which means that I, too, am overtired.  By about 4:00 pm yesterday, I noticed that my patience was disappearing.  Pip was riding her new bike in the back [...]]]> “Patience is the companion of wisdom.”

Saint Augustine

Pip and Fig both have miserable colds at the moment.  Neither of them are sleeping well, which means that I, too, am overtired.  By about 4:00 pm yesterday, I noticed that my patience was disappearing.  Pip was riding her new bike in the back alley and Fig had decided she didn’t want to walk, so I was carrying her.  Pip needed a slight push every once in awhile after breaking, but she was also afraid of going too fast, so she wanted me to hold the handlebars occasionally to slow her down.  It had been an afternoon of, “No, Mama, you don’t have to push me anymore…Mama, I need you to push me…NOSE BLOW Mama!!!” and “Mama, DON’T let go I’m going too fast!”

I’d interject with, “That’s not the way you speak to Mama…what’s the magic word…and, how could you ask nicely?”  Needless to say, by the time my husband got home from work I was ready for a break.  I passed Fig over to Daddy-O and my arms felt so light I thought they would float right off my body.  The four of us spent another twenty minutes in the back alley together, then I said, “I’m going to go inside and start dinner, you girls stay outside with Daddy and I’ll call you in when it’s time to eat.”

A few minutes after I had entered the house, Pip came into the kitchen.  ”Mama, I came to help you with dinner.”

“Sweetie, you should stay outside and get some fresh-air.  You haven’t seen Daddy all day!”

“NO Mama!  I want to be with you,” she whined.

“Well Pip, I’m talking to your Auntie on the phone right now and it’s good for us to have a little break from each other.”

“I DON’T NEED A BREAK FROM YOU!!!”  She was crying now.  I had hurt her feelings.  She was sick and tired, and I was tired too.  I hung up the phone, dried her tears, pulled her into a hug and she calmed down.

After a moment, she pulled away from our embrace to say, “Are you ready to be a good Mama now and let me be around you?”

Nice.

Albert Smith

Pip seems to cry a lot in the late afternoon.  I think it has to do with the fact that she could still benefit from a wee kip, but she hasn’t had a scheduled nap [...]]]> “Tears are the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it.”

Albert Smith

Pip seems to cry a lot in the late afternoon.  I think it has to do with the fact that she could still benefit from a wee kip, but she hasn’t had a scheduled nap for almost a year now.  If she happens to fall asleep in the car for twenty minutes or so in the late afternoon it makes life much more bearable.  Typically, she wakes up at around 7:30 am, and her head doesn’t hit the pillow again for twelve hours.  It’s a long day for a little girl.

Lately, when Pip starts to lose it I’ve been saying things like, “Pip, we can solve anything together!” and, “We’re a great team Sweetie; we don’t need to cry about things.”  I’ve even tried giving her a mantra, “I can fix this,”  but the waterworks have prevailed.

The other day Pip was crying about some infinitesimal matter and I said, “Should we cry about it, or LOVE ABOUT IT???”  and I gave her a big hug.  IT WORKED!!!  She started smiling immediately and the tears shut off as though I’d flicked a switch.

Clearly my grammatical neurons weren’t firing when I coined the phrase, but ‘loving about it,’ might have some legs.  For three days running, when Pip is moved to tears because her shirt-tag is itchy or her hands are sticky or Fig has the blue crayon, I say in a game-show-host-kind-of-way, “SHOULD WE CRY ABOUT IT OR LOVE ABOUT IT???” and open my arms for my emotional girl.  It takes some patience to put into practice, particularly when I’ve ‘loved about it’ twice in ten minutes, but I sure appreciate being able to help Pip nip her meltdown in the bud.

(The ‘Pip nip’ combination is kind of fun, isn’t it?)

~Cynthia Heimel

So I made a little book over the summer, and I’m launching it at a local bookstore, Laughing Oyster [...]]]> “When in doubt, make a fool of yourself.  There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth.  So what the hell, leap.”

~Cynthia Heimel

So I made a little book over the summer, and I’m launching it at a local bookstore, Laughing Oyster Bookshop, this Saturday, September 26th at 1:00 pm.  I can’t quite believe it.  When I read the posters that say, “Local author Karen Pantuso-Swanson…” I feel like an impostor.  Author?  Anyone can publish their own book.  What was I thinking???

Perhaps that’s the key; I didn’t think about it too much, I just did it.  I took a leap, and the jury’s still out as to whether or not I’ll look like a ‘gigantic idiot.’

I was inspired by my cousin Sheryl and her friend Andreas, who used BLURB, an online self-publishing site, to create a stunning book of Andreas’s art.  I thought that the writing I had been doing for my blog would translate nicely into a little gift-book for mothers.

Creating the book was a blast!  I am passionate about the subject matter, (motherhood,) and photography and writing are my two favourite hobbies at the moment, so this was a ‘H.O.E.’ project for me.  (Heaven On Earth.)  The book was made with pure love.

I’m proud of the book.  It is no great literary achievement, by any means, but I accomplished what I set out to do: make a tender little gift-book for women of all ages and stages, in honour of the sacred role we play as mothers.

I wish I could give the book away to anyone who wants it, but I’m not in a position to do that at the moment, as it’s rather  expensive to self-publish.  To be  honest, I’m not happy with the retail price of $34.00; it’s a lot of money!

Please know this: I will not be the least bit insulted if you come to the book launch and do not buy a book. By reading this blog right now, you are already supporting me and I appreciate it!  So if you’re a local resident and you’re free next Saturday, come on down to the Laughing Oyster; I would love to meet you!

And who knows, you might win a free book!  I’m going to have a draw for a free book on the day of the launch and there are two ways to enter:

1. Become a fan of  ’The Grateful Mama’ through facebook.

2. Leave a comment on today’s post.

(Don’t worry, if you live out-of-town I’ll mail the book to you!)

If you can’t make it to Laughing Oyster, the book will also be available at two of my other favourite stores:

firefly: new beginnings (Courtenay,) and Blue Heron books (Comox,) as of September 26th.

And now, here’s a question for you: What constitutes a H.O.E . project for you? (Leave your answer below and your name will automatically be entered in the draw.)

Samuel Johnson

To me, September has always felt more like the beginning of a new year than January.  It began when I was a child getting ready for the first week of school, [...]]]> “The chains of habit are generally too small to be felt until they are too strong to be broken.”

Samuel Johnson

To me, September has always felt more like the beginning of a new year than January.  It began when I was a child getting ready for the first week of school, and continued into adulthood when I became a teacher and later married one.  There’s a tangible change in the energy of our household.  It feels like a fresh start, a new beginning, a time to make Fall Resolutions.  Or perhaps it’s less daunting to think of them simply as ‘habits.’

I remember noticing how agile the elderly were in India.  They were always squatting.  They’d squat to visit, to eat, to work, to empty their bladders and bowels, and they appeared to have no difficulty transitioning from a squatting to a standing position.  I shared my observation with my hostess, Maduri, and she simply replied, “Habit.”

What are the habits that I would like to form this year?  And what are the habits that I would like to break?

One habit that my Indian family had developed was to meditate every day, three times a day with their children.  I’m not sure if three-year-old Baby was really meditating during these times, in fact I’m sure that she wasn’t, but she was still and quiet and she knew that it was a sacred time for her family.  I liked that.  After their meditation, they usually did a few stretches together.  I liked that too.

So this fall, I’m going to start a little morning ritual with my daughters.  At some point every day, we’re all going to go into the living room, put on some meditative music and do a few simple stretches.  I know that it’ll be great for my body, great for their little bodies, and perhaps it will help us all to feel centered as we progress through the day.

A habit I’d like to break?  My morning coffee.  No, it’s not the caffeine-habit that I’d like to kick, (I already drink de-caf,) it’s the damn cream and sugar!!!  I blame my husband for the cream.  I hadn’t known the beauty of a silky, creamy coffee before I met him.  And the sugar?   Honestly…there’s nobody to blame for that one.  I’ve tried drinking it black, which made me realize that I don’t actually like the flavour of coffee.  It’s just the warm,  soothing, sweet beverage that I find so enjoyable.

I think I’ll use a replacement strategy for breaking this habit.  I’ll still enjoy a hot drink in the morning, but I’ll find a yummy decaffeinated herbal tea to replace my creamy coffee.  I’m open to suggestions.  Any favourite teas you’d like to recommend?

So those are my Fall Habits; one to form and one to kick.  Anybody out there want to join me?  Let me know what you’re going to form and/or kick.

Michel de Montaigne, Of Solitude

I heard about a hand-drumming workshop at Joe’s Garage last week.  A fabulous Mexican drummer named Candido was in town with his band, and he was willing to share his skills with a few [...]]]> “The finest thing in the world is knowing how to belong to oneself.”

Michel de Montaigne, Of Solitude

I heard about a hand-drumming workshop at Joe’s Garage last week.  A fabulous Mexican drummer named Candido was in town with his band, and he was willing to share his skills with a few lucky local drummers.  I went to the class at four o’clock and emerged, only an hour and a half later, feeling like a new person.

Candido was indeed a master drummer, but the rhythm he taught us was one that I already knew, so it wasn’t so much what I learned that made me feel rejuvenated, it was just being thrust into an unfamiliar situation with a brand new set of people, (many of whom were very talented,) and doing something that I love to do.

I love feeling like a mom, a wife, a sister, a daughter and a friend, but it’s good to be out in the world by myself sometimes.  I haven’t been seeking out these types of opportunities for myself in the past couple of years, and I really appreciate it when they present themselves to me.  It’s like the universe just taps me on the shoulder and says, “This would be really good for you to do.”

So I went back for the show that evening and took some photos for the band.  My husband stayed at home with the girls and my brother and I went to see the band, “Matombe.”  They were great.  Their world-music vibe was soul-nourishing and Candido’s playing was inspiring.

Karina, the gorgeous dancer in the band, was jaw-droppingly good.  Her style is unlike anything I’ve ever witnessed; a blend of African, Latin and ‘Karinian.’

It was a good day.  I got to spend time with my daughters, my husband, my brother, some new friends,

and my Self.