William James

When I was a teenager, I was really interested in the performing arts.  I loved music.  I wrote songs, I played guitar, I acted in plays, I danced, but I did not have a very powerful singing voice.  My [...]]]> “I don’t sing because I’m happy; I’m happy because I sing.”

William James

When I was a teenager, I was really interested in the performing arts.  I loved music.  I wrote songs, I played guitar, I acted in plays, I danced, but I did not have a very powerful singing voice.  My ever-supportive parents arranged for me to have private vocal instruction with a lady named Joyce Court.  After several rather frustrating singing lessons, dear Mrs. Court said to my mom and I, “Have you thought about modeling, Karen?”  In other words, I was not going to make it as a singer.  I had a good ear, I could read music, and I could definitely carry a tune, but I just didn’t sound that great.

I moved on.  My experience with Mrs. Court definitely discouraged me from performing songs in a public forum, but it certainly didn’t stop me from singing for pure enjoyment.  I used to sing with my students when I was teaching, and now I literally sing ALL THE TIME with my daughters.  Singing soothes babies and older children alike.  If my daughters are cranky, I can always distract them with a little song.

The cool thing is, my daughters don’t give a damn whether or not I have a good singing voice, they call for encores all the time!  I sing kids’ songs, current songs, lullabies, Abba, soundtracks from musicals such as The Sound of Music, and I also make-up my own ‘running-commentary’ type songs.  These are the tunes that would probably be most irritating to any other adult within earshot, but they work.  I often pick showtunes like, “New York, New York,” and change up the lyrics… ‘Start getting your shoes,”  (instead of ‘Start spreading the news…’)   “and put on your socks, we’ll get our winter jackets on, and head outside.”   I’m sure I’m not the only one who does this.

I’m reminded of a former colleague of mine, who taught second grade, and used to sing and hum constantly.  Sometimes she’d even sing her responses to her students.  I thought she was rather loopy at the time, but I don’t anymore.  I get it.  Even my mom is a hummer.  I never recognize the songs she hums, and perhaps they are just a random collection of notes.  Maybe she just hums for humming’s sake, but that doesn’t matter, does it?

I’ve noticed recently that Pip and Fig also launch into operetta-style conversations very naturally, as though it’s just another acceptable form of communicating.  I’m thinking it might make difficult conversations go a lot smoother in the future.  Imagine if Pip confronted me one day and sang, “Mama Mia, Here I go again, My My, Can I get my tongue pierced?”

Sharon Lee

Pip singing, "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," for parents, teachers and friends at her pre-school's Christmas party. (Thanks to Lori for snapping the photo)

“Pip, you need to put some clothes on,” is [...]]]> “The moment you say ‘I know everything’ is the end of your growth.”

Sharon Lee

Pip singing, "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," for parents, teachers and friends at her pre-school's Christmas party. (Thanks to Lori for snapping the photo)

“Pip, you need to put some clothes on,” is a phrase I find myself uttering, not just in the morning, but several times a day.  My daughter simply prefers to be naked.  Oh, we insist on underpants, but that’s about all we can get her to consistently wear.  It doesn’t help that we have a toasty warm fire burning in the living-room fireplace throughout the day.  When we arrive home from pre-school, or some other daily outing, Pip strips down to her underwear, takes either a toy or books into the living room, and plops down on the carpet in front of the fire.

She says that clothes are ’scratchy.’  Thus, we only buy ’soft’ clothes for her.  My sister hands-down the most wonderful jeans and chords from my niece, but Pip will not wear them.  She doesn’t like tags on anything; even stuffed animals.   Pip doesn’t like people close to her wearing ’scratchy’ clothes either, and she won’t hug me when I’m wearing my favourite wool sweater.

Pip is a sensitive soul.  From the time she was only a few months old, I knew that she was an observer.  I remember taking her to a baby music class when she was about 10 months old and being surprised at the fact that she didn’t want to participate.  She loved music!   We sang and played instruments at home all the time, but during the music class, she just wanted to sit on my lap and watch what was going on around her.  This behaviour continued week after week and by the end of the session she had just started to feel comfortable enough to take part, but even then, it was only the familiar activities that she enjoyed.

My husband and I have never wanted to label Pip as being ’shy,’ but new people in her life will often say, “Are you shy?” or “Don’t be shy,” if she doesn’t engage with them right away.  I don’t like it, because I feel that she is being misunderstood.  She is a confident, happy little person, but she likes to observe people and situations before she acts.  She’s also incredibly empathetic.  If a child is upset on the playground, or if her little sister is out of sorts, Pip’s eyes will well up with tears.  Empathy is a wonderful trait, but it must be exhausting for Pip to take on the emotions of other children.

Does any of this sound familiar to you?  It was only recently that it all made sense to me and I came to a new understanding about my daughter and myself.  Last summer, my insightful cousin Sheryl read a book about ‘Highly Sensitive People.’  She said that it made her think of me and Pip.  It took me awhile to get around to it, but I finally looked at the author’s website.  I read through the checklist for ‘Highly Sensitive Children,’ and Pip exhibited almost ALL  of the character traits.

I had many, ‘Aha,’ moments as I sifted through the information on the website, because it turns out that I possess  many of the adult ‘HSP’ traits.  It was enlightening, and also incredibly comforting.  Especially this bit:

• Your trait is normal. It is found in 15 to 20% of the population–too many to be a disorder, but not enough to be well understood by the majority of those around you.
• It is innate. In fact, biologists have found it to be in most or all animals, from fruit flies and fish to dogs, cats, horses, and primates. This trait reflects a certain type of survival strategy, being observant before acting. The brains of highly sensitive persons (HSPs) actually work a little differently than others’.
• You are more aware than others of subtleties. This is mainly because your brain processes information and reflects on it more deeply. So even if you wear glasses, for example, you see more than others by noticing more.
• You are also more easily overwhelmed. If you notice everything, you are naturally going to be overstimulated when things are too intense, complex, chaotic, or novel for a long time.
• This trait is not a new discovery, but it has been misunderstood. Because HSPs prefer to look before entering new situations, they are often called “shy.” But shyness is learned, not innate. In fact, 30% of HSPs are extraverts, although the trait is often mislabeled as introversion. It has also been called inhibitedness, fearfulness, or neuroticism. Some HSPs behave in these ways, but it is not innate to do so and not the basic trait.
• Sensitivity is valued differently in different cultures. In cultures where it is not valued, HSPs tend to have low self-esteem. They are told “don’t be so sensitive” so that they feel abnormal.

The author’s name is Elaine Aron and her homepage can be found at: www.hsperson.com/index.html

I don’t know if this information is of interest to people who aren’t highly sensitive, but this learning experience has reminded me, yet again, what incredible teachers my daughters are and how much I have to learn.

I’ve come to a deeper understanding about Pip, as well as myself, and I’ve found a great resource for both of us.  I’ll be better equipped to help Pip when her eyes water because some child on the playground is crying.  I’ll be more tolerant when she refuses to wear a new shirt.  I’ll also be easier on myself.  (Thank you, cousin Sheryl!)

In the end, I think it all comes down to acceptance.  Acceptance of our kids, our spouses, our parents, ourselves…not judgement, but acceptance.  Amen to that.

Lyman Abbott

Pip surprised me the other day by stomping her foot on the floor when she was frustrated.  It was a case of her not getting what she wanted, and instead of talking about it, she [...]]]> “Do not teach your children never to be angry; teach them how to be angry.”

Lyman Abbott

Pip surprised me the other day by stomping her foot on the floor when she was frustrated.  It was a case of her not getting what she wanted, and instead of talking about it, she stomped her foot.  My instinct was to tell her, “We don’t stomp our feet when we’re angry, we talk about it,” but I understand her impulse.  The other day we were playing at our cousins house and my niece got angry when her space was invaded.  She was instructed to take a time-out, and on the way to her bedroom, she took out her frustration on the piano keys.  It sounded marvelous; passionate and dark, and I thought to myself, “What a great way to express anger.”

My teacher-training and experience have provided me with many strategies for helping children deal with anger.  I always ‘taught’ anger management lessons to my homeroom class.  We’d talk about anger being a natural feeling that everyone experiences and I’d assure the kids that there was no shame in feeling angry.  I taught them that anger served to identify problems, but it wasn’t a good way to solve problems.  We’d brainstorm ways to control angry feelings so that we could get on with problem-solving.  Kids learned to do such things as take three deep breaths, take a step back, seek help, and find the humour in situations.  It occurs to me now, though, that the focus was on ‘controlling’ and ‘managing’ anger, but there wasn’t much literature on releasing anger in appropriate ways.

A few years ago I read an amazing book by Gabor Mate called, ‘When the Body Says No.’  One of the important messages I took away from the book was that our bodies suffer ‘dis-ease’ when we don’t deal with our emotions in a healthy manner.  Suppressing anger, for instance can be very dangerous to your health.  Reading the book changed the way I dealt with my emotions.  I used to swallow my anger in the name of peace-keeping.  I’m not a person who enjoys conflict or drama, (unless it’s scripted, of course,) so I used to avoid it like the plague, not realizing that I was actually doing damage to my body.  The more important issues would live inside of me for awhile and fester until I finally gave them a voice, and by that time they had grown to unwarranted  proportion.  Not healthy.

Now, I tend to express frustrations as soon as they come up.  That way, they are dealt with before they even become  a source of anger.  It’s as though the negative feelings are robbed of all of their power once they’re set free.  My husband and I both feel as though we’re in the healthiest relationship of our lives, and I think the way we deal with conflict has a lot to do with it.

So, not only do I want to arm my daughters with strategies for managing anger, I want them to be able to release their angry energy in a healthy way as well.  Of course it’s ideal if frustrations are identified early on, when it’s easy to problem-solve without anger or tears.  If that point has passed, though, and a child is really angry, there’s no point trying to rationalize with him or her.  It just does not work.  So why not encourage them to bang on a drum, play piano, do some jumping jacks, put on some music, dance, rip up some newspaper, or do something else that will set their ‘angries’ free?  Once they’ve calmed down it’s time to problem-solve.

I think it’s important to have an anger-plan.  Talk about strategies when everybody’s happy, and make sure your kids know what kind of behaviour is intolerable.  (For example, hitting is an automatic ‘time-out’ in our house.)

And make sure YOU have a way to release your anger.  It used to be jogging for me, but my back-health prevents me from enjoying that form of release any more.  Now I find that getting outdoors and going for a walk works wonders, and music also does the trick; just listening to it, dancing to it, or playing along with it is a cleansing experience for me.

Whatever you do, deal with your feelings.  Even if it means an uncomfortable conversation with your spouse, as long as you’re speaking respectfully to each other, it provides a great model for your kids.  They learn that conflict exists in even the most loving relationships, and problems can be solved by talking them through.

(Forgive me if I sounded too ‘preachy’ toward the end there; the ‘teacher hat’ appears from time to time.)

Andrew Jackson

For some reason, Pip uses the phrase, “Alls I need…”  My husband never says, ‘ALLS,’ I’ve never used it, and I haven’t heard anyone else use it around Pip, so I have no idea [...]]]> “It’s a damn poor mind that can think of only one way to spell a word.”

Andrew Jackson

For some reason, Pip uses the phrase, “Alls I need…”  My husband never says, ‘ALLS,’ I’ve never used it, and I haven’t heard anyone else use it around Pip, so I have no idea where she heard it.    In the past, grammatical errors have been easily corrected with Pip, but  the dreaded ‘ALLS’ continues to pop up, despite my repeated corrections.  The other day I tried a new tactic; to be more specific…

“Pip, you’re saying ‘ALLS’ instead of ‘ALL’…there’s no ‘S’ after the word ALL.”

“But I like S’s Mama.”

“I like S’s too, Honey, and we can use them in lots of words, but everybody who speaks English says ‘ALL,’ they don’t say ‘ALLS.’

“But it doesn’t matter what everybody else does, right Mama?”  Right theory, wrong application, but how to explain this to a three-year-old?

“When we use words to speak to each other, we want people to understand what we’re saying, so it’s important that we use words properly.  If you say ‘alls’ instead of ‘all,’ people might not know what you mean.”

Yet again, words were coming out of my mouth that I didn’t really believe.  Pip must think I’m an idiot sometimes.  Of course people will understand her if she says, “Alls I want to do is read.”  That one little ’s’ isn’t powerful enough to alter the meaning of her sentence, it’s simply incorrect grammar, and it drives me nuts!

I don’t claim to be a Grammar-Guru, but there are examples of poor English all around us.  One of my personal pet peeves is the use of ‘there’s’ instead of ‘there are.’ Example: “There’s a lot of leaves on the ground,” is grammatically incorrect, yet you hear it all the time.  If you take away the apostrophe, you’re really saying, ‘there is a lot of leaves on the ground,’ instead of , ‘there are a lot of leaves on the ground.’  Once again, the meaning isn’t altered by the poor grammar, but it’s still wrong!

I’m sure that I make errors in my writing and my speech,  and when I do, I would like to know about them!  I will humbly thank you if you point out a grammatical error of mine.  I want to know!  I hope to instill the same desire to learn in my children, which is why I’m not going to give up on the eradication of ‘ALLS.’

Although I wasn’t satisfied with my ‘correct usage’ explanation, Pip seemed to be, and I am happy to report that ‘ALLS’ hasn’t been uttered in quite some time.  If and when it does reappear, I’ll have to be ready for it.  In the end, alls I want is for my daughter to speak good.  (Cringe.)

Rebecca Krook

I was inspired by my sister yesterday.  (It’s not unusual, I’m frequently inspired by her!)  She’s home-schooling my five-year-old niece as well as working part-time and mothering [...]]]> “When kids play they remember, they may not be aware that they are learning, but they sure are aware that they are having fun.”

Rebecca Krook

I was inspired by my sister yesterday.  (It’s not unusual, I’m frequently inspired by her!)  She’s home-schooling my five-year-old niece as well as working part-time and mothering a younger son!  She has always been extremely organized, so I wasn’t surprised when I saw a timetable of children’s activities on her kitchen bulletin-board.  She schedules physical activity time, unstructured play-time, structured learning time, and off-campus lessons into her days with the kids, so that all bases are covered.

I thought of her schedule yesterday when I woke up to a wet and grey morning and was faced with the prospect of surviving a full day indoors with two sick children.   At 8:00 am, when both girls are usually in top-form, they were already melting down into a pool of discomfort.  What on earth were we going to do for the next nine hours?

When I was a teacher, I’d write an agenda on the board each day and call it, ‘The Shape of the Day.’  That’s exactly what our day needed: some shape!

After breakfast, I brought out the massive box of play-doh and assorted plastic accessories.  Pip and I taught Fig a few colours and shapes and we showed her how to roll the play-doh into a long snake.

Pip opened up a play-doh restaurant and prepared yellow and black spaghetti for us, then she made me a big black heart and said, “Here Mama, this is a big heart for all of your love.”  (I didn’t let Pip’s colour choice alarm me.)

The girls were happily occupied for almost an hour, and I enjoyed being their full-time facilitator.  Cleaning-up was great because Fig spotted the feather-duster and Pip wanted to use the broom, so there was some impromptu house-cleaning that took at least thirty minutes!

Next we got moving.  I put Peter Gabriel on the stereo, (he is one of Pip’s favourites,) got the ‘musical instrument basket’ out, and we danced for about fifteen minutes.  The girls then paraded around the house with their drums while I cooked lunch.

After lunch it was reading time.  The three of us cuddled on the couch and read a few books, then it was time for Fig’s nap.

Yay!  It was HALF-TIME , and everyone was in great spirits.

I won’t bore you with our afternoon activities, but I will say that structuring the day worked brilliantly.  I set aside housework, phone-calls and errands to create a completely child-centered day, and on THIS particular day, it was a wise choice.

It did feel a little bit like my days in the classroom, however, as a teacher, you dismiss your kids at 3:00 and have time to catch up on marking, prepping, making phone-calls, putting up displays and organizing the classroom!  Big difference.

It’s all one big balancing act, isn’t it?

Patty Lovell

I love places where books live.  The girls and I found a gem at our local library called, “Stand Tall Molly Lou Melon” by Patty Lovell, illustrated by David Catrow.  Pip was the one who spotted it;  she [...]]]> “Believe in yourself and the world will believe in you too.”

Patty Lovell

I love places where books live.  The girls and I found a gem at our local library called, “Stand Tall Molly Lou Melon” by Patty Lovell, illustrated by David Catrow.  Pip was the one who spotted it;  she was drawn by the illustrations, and when we later read it at home, I knew it would become a family favourite.

Molly Lou is short and clumsy, has buck teeth and a voice that sounds like a bull-frog being squeezed by a boa-constrictor, but she doesn’t mind.  Her grandmother dispenses wonderful bits of wisdom that serve Molly Lou well, even when she has to start in a new school and is picked on by a bully.

Here’s a sampling of Lovell and Catrow’s magic:

“Molly Melon had buck teeth that stuck out so far, she could stack pennies on them.  She didn’t mind.  Her grandma had told her, ‘Smile big and the world will smile right alongside you.’

So she did.”

Charming, right?   It’s a gift to be reading aloud to my daughters and hear words like, “Believe in yourself and the whole world will believe in you too,” coming out of my mouth.  After reading it every night for two weeks, I’m hopeful that the messages in this little book are taking up residence in my daughters’ minds.  (As well as my own!)

Chris Stevens from ‘Northern Exposure’

Does anyone remember the show, ‘Northern Exposure?’  I was a fan.  My girlfriend Desiree and I even took a small detour during a road-trip [...]]]> “Rain usually makes me feel mellow: curl up in a corner time, slow down, smell the furniture. Today… it just makes me feel wet.”

Chris Stevens from ‘Northern Exposure’

Does anyone remember the show, ‘Northern Exposure?’  I was a fan.  My girlfriend Desiree and I even took a small detour during a road-trip to Seattle to visit the town, (Rosalind,) in which the television show was shot.  It was a funky little place.

The show was beautifully written and I always had a notebook by my side when it was on so that I could jot down quotations.  (You see, I’m a quote-collector from way-back!)  At the end of one poignant episode, Ed and Chris, (my two favourite characters,) are trying to figure out how to comfort a lonely bird.  I think it was a crane.  They surmised that the crane was doing a mating dance and wanted a partner, so Chris suggested that they dance with it.  One of my favourite lines during that episode came after Ed asked, “How should we dance?”

Chris replied, “With abandon.”  The scene ended with the two grown men dancing with the crane in a beautiful outdoor location.

My daughters dance with abandon.  It’s a sight to behold.  In fact, they do a lot of things with abandon: play, sing, run…

What a great way to live.