“Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.”

Kahlil Gibran

Over the last month, it seems as though Fig has become more attached to me than usual.  She’s sleeping through the night now and I’m down to only two breast-feeds each day, so she may [...]]]>

“Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.”

Kahlil Gibran

Over the last month, it seems as though Fig has become more attached to me than usual.  She’s sleeping through the night now and I’m down to only two breast-feeds each day, so she may be feeling as though she has less ‘up-close-and-personal-time’ with Mama.  These days, if she’s awake, she’s glued to my hip, which makes it challenging to leave the house without her.  The girls have only really known one babysitter thus far: my mother.  Yes, we know how lucky we are to have family close by; especially a grandmother who is so willing and wonderful…but that’s another post.

Lately, every time Grandma P. comes over to watch the girls, (which is at least once each week,) Fig immediately starts following me around the house with her arms outstretched, crying, “Mama!”   Fig often has to be wrenched from my arms, before I make a quick exit.   I know that she calms down quickly, and my mom is great at distracting Fig, but it’s unpleasant, to say the least.

One morning Grandma P. managed to distract Fig while I put on my boots and coat, and grabbed my purse.  I waved silently to Mom and she nodded quickly.  Without saying anything, we knew we were both thinking the same thing: that I should get out while the getting was good!

I slipped out the door, walked down the stairs and around the house to my car.  I even sat down in the driver’s seat, and then I thought, “I can’t do it.  I can’t leave this way.”   I hadn’t said good-bye to Pip or to Fig.  It didn’t feel right.  I have always wanted to instill trust in my daughters.  I don’t want them to think that Mama can disappear at any time.  I want them to know that I’ll always be honest with them, and that I have faith they can handle any situation.

So, I went back inside.  My mom looked surprised.  ”Sorry Mom,” I said, “I don’t want to sneak out the back door, I want to say good-bye properly and face the music.”  My mom completely understood.  I gave each of my daughters a kiss and a hug and I said ‘good-bye’ before I left.  And wouldn’t you know it, Fig just looked at me and said, “Bye, Mama!”

“In the end these things matter most:

How well did you love?

How fully did you love?

How deeply did you learn to let go?”

Buddha

When I was staying out at my parents’ beach house recently, I went for a walk by myself.  It was bittersweet, and [...]]]>

“In the end these things matter most:

How well did you love?

How fully did you love?

How deeply did you learn to let go?”

Buddha

When I was staying out at my parents’ beach house recently, I went for a walk by myself.  It was bittersweet, and I found myself misty-eyed as I looked at the familiar surroundings.  The trees, the beach, the forest path, the mossy meadow; they’re dear old friends of mine.  So many memories are attached to the home in which I grew up.

Today marks the day that a young couple and their dog will move into the house.  They’re expecting a child in the Spring, so our old home will be filled with new life.

As I took my walk along the beach, my mind bounced between feeling nostalgic and feeling happy for the young family that would soon enjoy this piece of West-Coast heaven.  I got to my favourite spot,  (a mossy little meadow where I used to play guitar with my friends on warm summer nights,) and I photographed my shadow.  For some reason, I was compelled to make a peace sign with my fingers, and now I know why.

It’s time.  It’s time to make peace with the fact that our old home will be enjoyed by another family.  We were fortunate to occupy it for so many years, and we’ll still be able to walk that stretch of beach whenever the spirit moves us, but it’s time to start letting go.

Buddha believed that all suffering is caused by attachment.  It’s true.  I’m attached; but I’m slowly letting go.  (I just never realized it would be so hard.)