Eli Khamarov

When I drop Pip off at Daisytree pre-school two mornings a week, it provides Fig and I with a two-hour chunk of one-on-one time.  During the week-long Spring Break, Fig demonstrated a few negative, attention-seeking behaviours [...]]]> “The best things in life are unexpected – because there were no expectations.”

Eli Khamarov

When I drop Pip off at Daisytree pre-school two mornings a week, it provides Fig and I with a two-hour chunk of one-on-one time.  During the week-long Spring Break, Fig demonstrated a few negative, attention-seeking behaviours and I wondered if she was missing our mother-daughter time.  Our first week back at school, I was really looking forward to being able to focus all of my attention on Fig for awhile. I drove the girls to Daisytree, we walked Pip into the school and hugged her good-bye, and then I asked Fig what she wanted to do for our ‘date.’

“Play,” said Fig.  She didn’t want to leave the wonders of the Daisytree environment.  She wanted to stay with Pip.  I tried to entice her with a trip to the park, to the muffin shop, to the playground, but Fig didn’t budge.  She liked looking at the worms in the kiddie pool that was in the pre-school’s back-yard.  After about fifteen minutes of worm-watching, I told Fig that we had to go.  I tried all of the tactics in my arsenal to convince her to leave peacefully, but in the end, I had to pick Fig up and carry her to the car.

I always hate having to physically remove my kids when they’re not cooperating.  I feel like a bully:  ”Okay, you’re not doing what I want, so I’ll use my size and strength to overpower you.”  I know I wouldn’t like to be hoisted under someone’s arm against my will.  I do it as a last resort, but it never feels good.

Fig became so upset with me, that she cried in the car for the next fifteen minutes.  When we arrived at her favourite playground, she calmed down and we proceeded to have a great time.  We played hide and seek, slid down the slide together, told knock-knock jokes while Fig was in the swing, and had a tender cuddle when she fell down a couple of steps.  Then it was time to leave.  Once again, Fig wanted to stay right where she was.  There were more tears, and her general dissatisfaction continued for the next hour.  She didn’t want her shoes removed, she didn’t want to wash her hands, she didn’t want me to put her down, she didn’t like the lunch I made, and she didn’t want to nap.  You’ve been there.   Clearly, this was not the idyllic mother-daughter time that I had anticipated.

My expectation was that Fig and I would have a glorious morning together, and in reality, there were probably as many minutes of crying as there were non-crying ones.

Last weekend I had my first newborn photo-shoot.  The New Mom had told me that her week-old bundle of joy slept so soundly in the afternoons, we would be able to place her on any prop and she’d slumber peacefully.  With the parents input, I set-up about six different scenarios for the baby-shoot.  I even borrowed a bike with a basket, hoping to capture some great ‘baby in the basket’ images.  Both the parents and I had very high expectations, but the baby had other ideas.

She was awake for the entire photo shoot, and she was definitely not happy about being placed, naked and alone, upon strange new surfaces.  Who could blame her?  She wanted to be clothed and swaddled and cuddled.  Isn’t that what all newborns want, and deserve?

And who could blame Fig, for that matter?  No-one.  Fig is a normal two-year-old, making sense of the world and trying to make her wishes known and respected.  She is asserting her independence, and it’s a healthy, encouraging part of her growth.

Both situations have me examining the whole notion of ‘expectations.’  This is not a new theme for me.  Sometimes it’s helpful to have high expectations, because it encourages me to achieve wonderful things.  When they’re too high, however, the disappointment can alter the enjoyment of the experience.

If I look back on these two experiences and erase my expectations, I feel hugely satisfied.  The photos captured during the newborn shoot are precious.  I love looking at them.  The beauty of this little family is overwhelming.  (www.pantusophotography.com.)  Likewise, being at the playground with Fig was a lovely experience!  She adored having all of my attention and we shared a lot of laughs.

It brings to mind the wonderful Ekhart Tolle books (that I need to re-visit) about living in the moment.  How can I be bothered with expectations when I’m fully present in the now?  It’s one of my biggest challenges in life.  To simply live in the moment.

I’m up for it.

Paul Johannes Tillich, The Eternal Now

Pip and I were snuggling together in bed one morning while Big-Daddy-O and Fig were getting a fire started.  ”Mama, [...]]]> “Language… has created the word “loneliness” to express the pain of being alone.  And it has created the word “solitude” to express the glory of being alone.”

Paul Johannes Tillich, The Eternal Now

Pip and I were snuggling together in bed one morning while Big-Daddy-O and Fig were getting a fire started.  ”Mama, are there some families where each Mama has one kid?”

“Sure, Pip.”  I cited a couple of examples of friends of ours.  One family consists of a brother and sister who have two mothers, and the other family has one child.

“That’s what I want, Mama, just one kid and one Mama.  You can be my Mama and Fig can have another one.”  Instead of explaining the impossibility of her suggestion, I tried to probe Pip’s mind a little deeper.

“Why do you want that, Pip?”

“Mama, it’s hard to be a big sister.”

“Tell me what’s hard, Sweetie.”

“Well, all the sharing, I have to share all of my stuff and Fig can reach everything in my room; she wrecks my set-ups and takes the skirt off of Dorothy.”

I promised Pip that we could find a place in her room to store the special toys that were just for her.  I then told her that Fig was a part of our family, we loved her like crazy and she was here to stay.  I reminded Pip of how Fig makes her laugh and how much fun they have dancing together, riding (pretend) horses together, and chasing each other around the house.  By the end of the conversation, Pip had a smile on her face.

It was a good conversation; a good reminder for me that Pip needs her space.  Pip’s bedroom is on the main floor of our home and is much larger than the nursery which is upstairs, so Pip’s room is ‘the toy room.’  She’s never really allowed to shut her sister out of her room because then Fig wouldn’t have access to the toys, puzzles, books, etc.

On top of that, we always insist that the girls share everything.  If they aren’t willing to take turns, then the toy is removed for a period of time.  It’s a decent rule, but I also appreciate that there are some precious belongings that Pip would rather Fig not handle.  Our youngest daughter is not the gentlest toddler in the world and she’s been known to rip the antlers off a moose, de-pop a few ‘pop-up’ books and chew on puzzle pieces.  Pip deserves to have a few toys that are out-of-Fig’s-bounds.

I am a big sister, and I remember spending a lot of time playing with my younger siblings, but I also remember shutting the door to my bedroom and spending time on my own.  I needed my own space.  I still do.  I can certainly relate to Pip’s wishes, and I’m a bit surprised that I haven’t made more of an effort to ensure that Pip has a place to retreat to.  Ah well, sometimes I need to be hit over the head, and luckily Pip was gentle.

Lyman Abbott

Pip surprised me the other day by stomping her foot on the floor when she was frustrated.  It was a case of her not getting what she wanted, and instead of talking about it, she [...]]]> “Do not teach your children never to be angry; teach them how to be angry.”

Lyman Abbott

Pip surprised me the other day by stomping her foot on the floor when she was frustrated.  It was a case of her not getting what she wanted, and instead of talking about it, she stomped her foot.  My instinct was to tell her, “We don’t stomp our feet when we’re angry, we talk about it,” but I understand her impulse.  The other day we were playing at our cousins house and my niece got angry when her space was invaded.  She was instructed to take a time-out, and on the way to her bedroom, she took out her frustration on the piano keys.  It sounded marvelous; passionate and dark, and I thought to myself, “What a great way to express anger.”

My teacher-training and experience have provided me with many strategies for helping children deal with anger.  I always ‘taught’ anger management lessons to my homeroom class.  We’d talk about anger being a natural feeling that everyone experiences and I’d assure the kids that there was no shame in feeling angry.  I taught them that anger served to identify problems, but it wasn’t a good way to solve problems.  We’d brainstorm ways to control angry feelings so that we could get on with problem-solving.  Kids learned to do such things as take three deep breaths, take a step back, seek help, and find the humour in situations.  It occurs to me now, though, that the focus was on ‘controlling’ and ‘managing’ anger, but there wasn’t much literature on releasing anger in appropriate ways.

A few years ago I read an amazing book by Gabor Mate called, ‘When the Body Says No.’  One of the important messages I took away from the book was that our bodies suffer ‘dis-ease’ when we don’t deal with our emotions in a healthy manner.  Suppressing anger, for instance can be very dangerous to your health.  Reading the book changed the way I dealt with my emotions.  I used to swallow my anger in the name of peace-keeping.  I’m not a person who enjoys conflict or drama, (unless it’s scripted, of course,) so I used to avoid it like the plague, not realizing that I was actually doing damage to my body.  The more important issues would live inside of me for awhile and fester until I finally gave them a voice, and by that time they had grown to unwarranted  proportion.  Not healthy.

Now, I tend to express frustrations as soon as they come up.  That way, they are dealt with before they even become  a source of anger.  It’s as though the negative feelings are robbed of all of their power once they’re set free.  My husband and I both feel as though we’re in the healthiest relationship of our lives, and I think the way we deal with conflict has a lot to do with it.

So, not only do I want to arm my daughters with strategies for managing anger, I want them to be able to release their angry energy in a healthy way as well.  Of course it’s ideal if frustrations are identified early on, when it’s easy to problem-solve without anger or tears.  If that point has passed, though, and a child is really angry, there’s no point trying to rationalize with him or her.  It just does not work.  So why not encourage them to bang on a drum, play piano, do some jumping jacks, put on some music, dance, rip up some newspaper, or do something else that will set their ‘angries’ free?  Once they’ve calmed down it’s time to problem-solve.

I think it’s important to have an anger-plan.  Talk about strategies when everybody’s happy, and make sure your kids know what kind of behaviour is intolerable.  (For example, hitting is an automatic ‘time-out’ in our house.)

And make sure YOU have a way to release your anger.  It used to be jogging for me, but my back-health prevents me from enjoying that form of release any more.  Now I find that getting outdoors and going for a walk works wonders, and music also does the trick; just listening to it, dancing to it, or playing along with it is a cleansing experience for me.

Whatever you do, deal with your feelings.  Even if it means an uncomfortable conversation with your spouse, as long as you’re speaking respectfully to each other, it provides a great model for your kids.  They learn that conflict exists in even the most loving relationships, and problems can be solved by talking them through.

(Forgive me if I sounded too ‘preachy’ toward the end there; the ‘teacher hat’ appears from time to time.)