The Grateful Mama » Friendship

The Sleepover

Karen — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 15:00:33 +0000

“In the final analysis it is not what you do for your children but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings.”
– Ann Landers

Pip wanted to play with her cousin last week and I explained that she was having a sleep-over at Grandma P. and Grandpa R.’s house. That was all it took. The seed had been planted; Pip wanted a sleep-over. We called Grandma P. to arrange a date and Pip started counting the days.

Now my parents are only a ten-minute drive away, but it was a big deal for Pip to sleep away from home. My husband and I haven’t gone on any trips together (yet) without the kids, and any time my mom has baby-sat for us, she has come over to our house. The plan was for my mom to pick Pip up at 2:30 pm on Friday so that they could enjoy the afternoon together, before having dinner. Pip would spend the night with her grandparents and we’d pick her up Saturday morning.

My mom had said to me on the phone, “Now this could be a huge success, or a complete disaster,” and I agreed. Pip had surprised me with her independence before, but she had also cried Thursday night after I left her bedroom because she missed me. One never knows how these ‘firsts’ are going to go. I had told Mom that it would be nice to say goodnight to Pip on the phone, but we agreed that Mom should initiate the call instead of me, just in case there were any rough patches.

I’ll tell you right now, the sleep-0ver was a huge success; for Pip. What my husband and I were not prepared for, was how much we would miss her! I’ll never forget the look on Big Daddy-O’s face when Grandma and Pip drove away from our house. I was standing at the door with Fig, trying to ignore the ridiculous tears forming in my eyes, and my husband gave me a look that I’ve never seen before, and I’ll not soon forget. It was a surprised, emotional look that said, ‘Can you believe how hard this is?’ He yelled up at me, “She just left and I already miss her!”

It felt so strange to be a family without Pip. Both my husband and I have been away from Pip for at least one night before, but it was a different experience to be at home, going through our normal rituals as a family without our eldest daughter. Of course we enjoyed our time with Fig, and I must say that she was in her element. She didn’t mention her sister once, she just lapped up all the undivided attention we were showering upon her.

When Fig was in the tub, both Big Daddy-O and I were in the bathroom with her, and I said, “I hope Pip calls soon.” My husband laughed.

“I bet we’re going to be saying that a lot when she’s fifteen.”

“Seventeen.” I countered.

Pip did indeed call shortly thereafter, and her voice sounded small and happy. It was pretty special for Pip to have Grandma and Grandpa all to herself. It was also special for our second child to have her parents all to herself. In the end, I think everyone benefitted from the sleep-over. It’s a brilliant feeling to know that there’s a place, other than home, where your child feels safe and well-loved and happy. Thanks Mom and Dad.

Our tiny parent

Karen — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 14:00:00 +0000

“We’ve had bad luck with children; they’ve all grown up.”

Christopher Morley

I’m not sure if Pip has sensed that I need her to be ‘low maintenance’ lately, but she has been an angel. (Possibly because she doesn’t usually get to watch back-to-back episodes of ‘Blues Clues’ while Fig naps!) She has also been helping to ‘parent’ Fig.

Last Sunday we were driving home from the ferry and Fig had reached her limit; she was ready to get out of the car. We were still thirty minutes away from home, and my husband and I had exhausted our supply of ‘things to occupy your kids on a road-trip.’ To make matters worse, every time I tried to sing a song or even talk, I’d launch into a coughing fit. Just when we thought Fig’s whimpers were going to progress to full-on cries, we heard her laugh!!! Pip to the rescue. I don’t know exactly what Pip was doing that Fig found so funny, but it worked!

And then today, the girls were eating lunch and I noticed that Fig was using her fork instead of her hand, so I said , “Wow, good eating Fig!” Pip looked at Fig and said,

“Fig, can you say thank you to Mama?” and Fig looked at me and said,

“Thank you, Mama.”

It’s nice to know I have back-up when I need it.

Standing Tall

Karen — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 14:00:27 +0000

“Believe in yourself and the world will believe in you too.”

Patty Lovell

I love places where books live. The girls and I found a gem at our local library called, “Stand Tall Molly Lou Melon” by Patty Lovell, illustrated by David Catrow. Pip was the one who spotted it; she was drawn by the illustrations, and when we later read it at home, I knew it would become a family favourite.

Molly Lou is short and clumsy, has buck teeth and a voice that sounds like a bull-frog being squeezed by a boa-constrictor, but she doesn’t mind. Her grandmother dispenses wonderful bits of wisdom that serve Molly Lou well, even when she has to start in a new school and is picked on by a bully.

Here’s a sampling of Lovell and Catrow’s magic:

“Molly Melon had buck teeth that stuck out so far, she could stack pennies on them. She didn’t mind. Her grandma had told her, ‘Smile big and the world will smile right alongside you.’

So she did.”

Charming, right? It’s a gift to be reading aloud to my daughters and hear words like, “Believe in yourself and the whole world will believe in you too,” coming out of my mouth. After reading it every night for two weeks, I’m hopeful that the messages in this little book are taking up residence in my daughters’ minds. (As well as my own!)

Holiday after holiday

Karen — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 14:00:24 +0000

“We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.”

Thornton Wilder

Does anyone else feel as though they need a holiday to recuperate after a holiday? We went ‘away’ for the long weekend. We only drove 10 kms to my parents’ beach house, but let’s face it, packing for a weekend away from home is the same no matter what the distance; you still require an extraordinary amount of gear! The ‘pack and play’ for Fig to sleep in, the high-chair, the dog’s bed and food, the bikes, the toys, books and games, the outer-garments for all weather, the favourite blanket, the plastic dishes, the footwear for all weather…you know the drill. (F.Y.I. the only items that were forgotten were my underwear. Nice.)

We seem to get hit the hardest in the SLEEP department when we’re away from home. On the day of our departure, Fig missed her nap completely for the first time in her life and she never quite recovered. She fussed at the drop of a hat for the better part of three days. Pip had trouble falling asleep each night, but once she was out, she filled her eleven-hour quota without a problem.

We hosted Thanksgiving dinner out a the beach house; everyone pitched in and cooked a dish or two, so the evening was definitely a team-effort, but my husband and I marveled at how fatigued we felt after our gathering of seventeen had dispersed.

All in all, it seemed as though the ratio of ‘preparation for fun’ to ‘actual fun’ was way out of whack. Maybe that’s just the way life is: good things take some effort. When I think to myself, was it worth it? The hours of laundering, packing, unpacking, packing, unpacking and laundering again? The increased sleep deprivation? The cranky baby? The answer is: of course it was worth it!! For starters, we had our first family beach-fire and sang ‘The ants go marching…’ as the crackling fire met the crisp, fall air. The next day, six happy children ate Thanksgiving dinner together, then retired to the family-room for some ‘ring-around-the-rosy’ fun. And how cool was it that my daughter could look ahead down a beautiful forest path and see her two Grandmothers and her dad walking together? Pretty cool.

When my mother-in-law was packing up Monday to head back to her home-town, Pip reassured her, “Don’t worry Grandma, we’ll have another one of these ‘Thank’ days again soon.”

I’m all for it.

Rejection

Karen — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 14:00:32 +0000

“Human beings, like plants, grow in the soil of acceptance, not in the atmosphere of rejection.”

John Powell

Fig worships Pip. Not only does she mimic everything Pip says and does, but she also likes to give Pip little gifts. Especially gifts of food. If Fig is given a piece of cheese, for example, she’ll ask for two so that she can toddle off and present one piece to Pip.

When Pip involves Fig in her games, Fig is in heaven. You can see it on her face; she practically glows when she looks at her big sister.

Alternately, when Pip is feeling suffocated by Fig’s love and admiration, she rejects her little sister. There is nothing more heart-breaking that seeing Fig run toward Pip with open arms, only to have Pip say, “No, Fig, I don’t want to hug you right now.” Ouch. Fig doesn’t really know how to handle rejection. She swings her empty arms back and forth and stares at her sister with her big baby blues.

Truth be told, I don’t really know how to handle this situation either. I often try to help Pip empathize with Fig. ”Honey, how would you feel if you wanted a hug from me and I pushed you away?” Pip will often hug Fig at this point.

Sometimes I focus on Fig and say, “Come here, Sweetie, I’ll give you a hug!” but my arms aren’t quite the same as Pip’s.

I’ve also said to Pip, “We always have hugs for our loved ones,” because she sometimes withholds hugs for relatives and close friends. I don’t like the idea of forcing affection though, and I never want it to turn into a negative experience. I’m not about to establish a ‘hug-rule.’

My favourite strategy is simply to tell Pip how great she makes other people feel when she hugs them. Maybe one day she’ll realize what a gift it is to have the power to fill someone else’s heart with joy.

That’s toe-toe, not Toto

Karen — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 14:00:24 +0000

“The great gift of human beings is that we have the power of empathy.”

Meryl Streep

The drawback of those great stainless-steel water-bottles for kids is the weight. Today Fig was enjoying a nice sip of H2O in the kitchen, when she dropped her water-bottle on her middle toe. The stainless=steel edge cut through skin, bloodied her toe, and inspired a purplish bruise at the base of her nail. The jury’s out as to whether she’ll lose the toe-nail altogether. Poor Fig screamed ‘Toe-Toe,” for a good ten minutes. I tried running the toe under cool water but Fig wouldn’t stand for it. I felt helpless. Cradling her in my arms seemed to soothe her somewhat, but she kept reaching for her toe. ”I know it hurts, Honey,” were about the most comforting words I could come up with, and they weren’t helping.

After the ten minutes of solid crying, Fig alternated between an exhausted state of calm and heart-wrenching tears for another twenty minutes. What astonished me most during Fig’s traumatic half-hour was Pip’s behaviour. Oftentimes, when Fig needs my attention, Pip decides to vie for it too. Not this time. Pip realized that Fig was truly in pain.

When Fig dropped the bottle, Pip was in the living room reading, so she didn’t know how serious things were. She heard Fig crying, but she was ready for a change of outfit, so she came walking into the kitchen with shorts and a t-shirt saying, “I’m hot Mama, can you help me change?”

I told her that I couldn’t help her at the moment because of Fig’s accident. She examined Fig’s toe. ”Oh, Fig, ” she began, “that blood is starting to dry up! Good for you!” She gave Fig an enthusiastic two thumbs-up. Fig was oblivious to Pip’s efforts and continued to wail, “Toe! Toe!”

Pip tried another tactic. ”Fig, you know, when I got this scrape on my knee, it really hurt.” Pip put a hand on my shoulder to help her balance so that she could lift her knee right up to Fig’s face.

Fig was paying attention to Pip now, but she was still crying. I looked at Pip. ”Sweetie, she’s still in a lot of pain.” At this point, Pip did the most marvelous thing; she gently rubbed my shoulder. Do many three-year-olds do that sort of thing? Maybe they do. It just seemed like a very mature gesture, and it felt really nice.

So there we were, Pip and I, looking down into the tear-stained face of sweet Fig. She had stopped crying, but her quivering lower lip indicated that she might launch into another bout of tears at any second. “Maybe Fig would like a little rub on the shoulder too, Pip.” Pip started with Fig’s shoulder, then she caressed the side of Fig’s face and finally patted her head. Fig eyed her sister suspiciously at first, then a smile crept across her face.

“Look at that Pip, you’re making her smile!”

Both girls were now smiling at each other. It was a sweet little moment in time. And it got sweeter.

“Mama, isn’t it funny that Fig was saying, toe-toe, and I have a dog named, Toto?” Ah, empathy and a sense of humour to boot.

Swarm

Karen — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 14:00:31 +0000

“Rhythm is something you either have or you don’t have, but when you have it, you have it all over.”

Elvis Presley

Local people will know that KidsFest was held this past weekend and Swarm was one of the main acts. I wrote a post about them months ago because I used to be a member of Swarm when I was living in Vancouver, and I miss playing with them.

Bill, the director of the group, creates all of the drums and other instruments out of recycled materials. They’re an exciting band to watch and even more exciting to play with; the rhythms are funky, the drums spin and roll, the choreography is unique and the performers are highly entertaining.

Pip and I, along with my sister and niece, went to see my old band-mates, and they did not disappoint. They have done an amazing job of adapting their show to suit children and it was obvious that the audience loved them.

After I had introduced the Swarm members to my daughter, we made plans to meet-up and I headed home to drop Pip off with her dad and sister. Pip didn’t say much about the band or the performance. She was pretty subdued during the ride home.

At dinner-time however, she said, “Mama, you know those curious little people who are your friends,” (it’s true; she really called them ‘curious little people.’)

“Yes,” I said, barely able to contain myself.

“I’d like to see them again. They had some interesting music.”

Well-said, Pip.

Moving from ‘we’ to ‘I’

Karen — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 14:00:35 +0000

“The art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.”
– Havelock Ellis

I completely underestimated the loveliness of Lily, (the name I’ll give Pip’s teacher,) and her gorgeous pre-school, (which I’ve chosen to call Daisytree.)

Two weeks ago I wrote, (at great length, I might add apologetically,) about the dilemma I faced regarding Pip and pre-school. She had been saying that she didn’t want to go, and I wasn’t sure if I should nudge her in the direction of school or just wait for another year.

Surprisingly, just a few days after I’d written that post, Pip began to change her tune: ”Mama, I think Toto might like to go to Daisytree.” Toto, of course, is the stuffed polar bear that she carries with her when she’s pretending to be Dorothy. I took Toto’s willingness as a very good sign, and decided to move forward with the initial pre-school meeting.

Lily wisely asked to meet with each child and parent privately before the first day of school. I told Pip that we were going on a special date together to meet Lily and visit Daisytree. Once she found out that I was going to stay with her the entire time, she was excited to go.

After greeting us warmly at the door, Lily guided Pip into the enchanting world of Daisytree. There were lovely silks hanging from the ceiling, inspiring art works on every piece of wall, a gorgeous easel with paints and brushes ready to go, a table with puzzles, a centre with fossils and magnifying glasses, a water station with cups and bubbles inside, and a plethora of other intriguing items.

Pip had a brush in her hand within the first three minutes. Lily’s manner with Pip was so encouraging, gentle and respectful that Pip felt comfortable engaging in conversation with her immediately. Pip was mixing colours and talking about her technique:

“Lily?”

“Yes Pip?”

“Sometimes I like to do a combo.”

“Oh, combos are lovely aren’t they? Would you like to add some sparkles to your painting?”

“Oh yes, we love sparkles!”

Pip kept referring to herself as ‘we’ throughout the meeting. I don’t think she has schizophrenic tendencies, I think she has just picked up on my tendency to say things like, ”We always wash our hands before we eat,” or “We have to wipe every time we use the bathroom.” It was interesting though. She and I have been a ‘we’ for three and a half years, and now she was taking a huge step in the direction of “I.”

Lily and Pip got along famously. They talked about Pip’s ruby-red-slippers, (which are actually purple,) they glued little blankets on Pip’s painting, they toured around the room touching interesting things, and they hugged each other good-bye.

I got a little misty a couple of times that morning. Fig had woken up at five am, so that might have been why my emotions rose so easily, but I suspect it was more about the pride that I felt watching my daughter create a new relationship with this lovely woman. Pip was finding her own way to ‘be’ in the world.

Lily walked us to our car and waved at Pip until we couldn’t see her anymore. Before I had a chance to ask any questions, Pip simply said, “Wow, Mama.”

My sentiments exactly.

True love

Karen — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 14:00:17 +0000

“The course of true love never did run smooth.”

William Shakespeare

This morning Pip said to her dad, “I love my sister so much. I just couldn’t wait for her to come out of my Mama’s belly,” and last night in the tub the girls smothered each other with hugs and kisses. That was just one day after Pip asked me if Fig could go and live on Saltspring Island, and two days after she yelled, “Mama, PUT HER DOWN, I want you all to myself!”

Pip has a pair of tap shoes that she likes to wear, and one afternoon I heard her run down the hall after her sister: tap, tap, tap, and then I heard a huge cry emerge from Fig.

“Pip, what happened?” I asked, as neutrally as possible.

“She did it to herself, Mama.”

“She did what to herself?” I asked.

“She just reached around and pinched herself on the back!” (Don’t you love it?)

A conversation about truth-telling ensued and Pip came clean about pinching her sister. She was congratulated for being honest, but she was issued a ‘time-out’ for inflicting bodily harm. Pip grudgingly went over to the time-out mat and sat down with a slight scowl.

Not five seconds had passed before Fig went over to the time-out mat and sat on it with her big sister. Pip started to giggle.

What a beautiful, complex, loving, unloving little relationship these two people are creating. I have siblings, but my sister is five years my junior and my brother is seven years younger. I was more like a third parent to my brother and sister than a rival. I’ve never really experienced the relationship dynamic that my daughters are developing, and I find it fascinating.

One thing seems to be pretty consistent though; love is met with love. Pip usually captains that ship, but when she showers her little sister with the good stuff, Fig literally glows. Her face changes.

We were sitting outside on the hammock together, Pip and I, and Fig was playing with the sprinkler a few metres away from us. She came running toward the hammock with her arms extended in anticipation of a hug, so I held my arms out to her saying, “Hug?”

“Sissy,” she said, and flew into the waiting arms of her sister.

Load Your Brushes

Karen — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 14:00:58 +0000

“It doesn’t make much difference how the paint is put on as long as something has been said. Technique is just a means of arriving at a statement.”

Jackson Pollock

How long has it been since you painted a picture? I’m always facilitating artistic activities for Pip, and often we create things together, but it has been awhile since I felt compelled to paint MY VERY OWN PICTURE! Pip inspired me. She introduced me to a cool technique and I had to try it out.

Our medium was tempura paint on heavy, watercolour paper. Pip loves gooping the paint on paper in thick, creamy dollops, then adding several colours to the mix.

The way she loads her brush is impressive; check out these colours:

I try to stay completely out of Pip’s creative process, only offering suggestions when it comes to cleaning and caring for the brushes. I often ask questions along the way, but I never ask what she’s painting. She doesn’t have to paint a what.

After Pip had been painting for awhile, she said, “Mama, I’d like to use a tampon to paint with.”

“A what???” I asked, silently questioning my decision to use correct terminology when Pip discovered my stash of feminine products.

“You know, a tampon, like we did before.”

Thankfully, I remembered that we had used Q-tips to paint with last week. ”Oh, you mean Q-tips, honey. I’ll get some.” I could understand how she confused the two bathroom staples. (Thankfully I’ve never made the same mistake.)

Pip proceeded to swirl the Q-tips over her painting with furious intensity. Her arm moved quickly and expertly, like she’d been using the technique for years. It was awesome! A vision of Ed Harris playing Jackson Pollock flashed through my mind.

“I’m finished, Mama. Want to play a game?” Kids switch gears soooooooo quickly.

“Whoa there Pipster. Slow down a minute so that we can take this in….you’ve created a masterpiece! Your painting is absolutely stunning! You were so creative to use the Q-tip to swirl the paint around, and it looked like so much fun!”

I’d been occupied taking photos up until this point, but I realized that I wanted to try the Q-tip technique. ”I’m going to paint a picture now Pip.”

“Okay. Can I help you Mama?”

“I’d like to make a painting of my very own, Pip, but you can paint another picture.”

And so we created; side by side. Pip couldn’t resist donating a few globs of blue to my painting:

and I added some purple to hers:

I must reluctantly admit that when Pip told me her second painting was done I asked her if she was going to add more swirls. (Shame on me.) Her response was perfect: “That isn’t what’s in my mind, Mama.”

Needless to say, my experience with paint was incredibly satisfying. I’ll do it again. Soon.

If you haven’t sat down in front of a glorious array of paints in awhile, you’re missing out. Let me offer you this challenge: load a brush. It’s good for the soul.